This is part of a book i am writing, this is a rough version. However, do not copy or take any part of this without permission, thank you)
8:10 am.
Lana.
She lay in her bed, and looked to her right at the tiny clock on the mini-fridge in the dorm room. The clock read 8:11, the colon between the numbers blinking, a dark red. She sat up straight, got out of the rumpled bed, hurried to undress, and threw a towel around her naked body. Moving swiftly down the hall to jump in the warm and much needed shower, she thought of all that had to be done. Lana had a midterm for one of her theology classes that morning at 9:50, and had wanted to get up to study almost 2 hours before actually awaking.
In a regimental, almost command-style, voice in her head she said, “I need to get dressed, pack my books and laptop, grab breakfast, and study. If I leave by 9, I will have a full 40 minutes to cram.” The "to do" list in her mind had already consumed the first thoughts of the day.
Lana.
It was said so sweet, and quietly. He was calling her name and Lana responded as she pampered and prepared, doing her daily ritual to get ready for her day and get out the door. As she brushed, her beautiful, blonde hair, the length covering well past her shoulders, shimmered as it reflected the dancing light of the sun beaming in from outside the spacious window.
“Ugh. I can’t believe I woke up so late. Sorry. There is so much to do.” Feeling anxious about her test, Lana thought to herself and remembered the gap of time she would have later on in the day to spend time with Him. Lana rushed to the Student Center. Along the way, while feeling overwhelmed, she was strategizing in her mind what still needed to be studied before she would be ready for the test. Today, her life in the classrooms would consist of one midterm, going to chapel and singing in choir, reading a book at some point, attending a business class, and printing off her plane ticket to go home. All this needed to get done before returning to her room at the end of the day. There would also be many people Lana would want to see and talk to before headed east for home and they would want to see her.
He said her name again.
Lana.
She knew he was calling her to come away with him, to spend time, but she had so much to do. He knew that she wanted to, but at that moment, she just didn’t have time. She thought, “I will later.”
She thought and spoke to him, “Thanks for understanding that I am stressed. I need your help on this midterm. Help me to remember everything I have studied and heard.” There was no response. Out of breath and walking at a good pace, she could see the student center ahead of her. Upon reaching the student center, there was an unoccupied bench, half in the shade and half in the sun, out by a patch of beautiful gardens. It was welcoming. With all the demands of her day, Lana knew deep inside she would need a little help. “OK,” Lana thought, “just 10 minutes.”
She walked to the bench, and pulled out her worn bible. Lana had spent most of her free time in the past 2 days reading a romance novel. It’s a modern day version of the story of Hosea from the Bible, a story about a man who God calls to marry a prostitute. It seemed appropriate to read the book of Hosea as a result. After reading a little, Lana glanced at her brown Roxy brand watch on her left wrist. It read 9:10. Ok, time to go. Ten minutes. Done. In closing her small, tattered bible, she shoved it in the little pouch on the outside of her blue northface backpack, threw it over her petite shoulder, and ran inside the double doors of the student center.
Inside the Lunchroom, a few people sat isolated, one person per table. Some were studying, some eating, some reading. There was a girl sitting at one of the tables. She was a dancer at the university. Lana had met her a few weeks prior to this day, along with another friend of this girl. Lana knew the friend had withdrew from the university. When Lana saw the girl in the Lunchroom, she thought to herself, “she seems lonely.” But Lana quickly reminded herself, “I don’t have time.” Deep inside, Lana knew the girl was lonely and Lana wanted to inquire about her life. However, Lana knew it wouldn’t be a short conversation, and concluded that she just didn’t have time to talk. Not now at least. She feared that the replacement of her study time to go and talk to this girl would cause her to fail her midterm. She kept walking. Lana sat down alone at a table on the other side of the room with her Café Mocha Latte and black bottom cupcake, her eyes fixed on the full review sheet on the surface of the unstable table in front of her. “Time to study,” she thought. Lana crammed as much in as she could in through her blue eyes and into her brain before walking through the big thick wooden door of the classroom to take the test.
10:40 am.
Lana.
She walked briskly along side her friend Josh as they headed to the worship office on the backside of the Chapel. Upon finishing their midterm, they were late in joining the rest of the choir for prayer. Before each service, all choir members would meet to pray over the chapel service that would begin as soon as the cue to walk on stage had been given. She rushed into the room feeling frantic about missing prayer, yet relieved when she found the students praying. She too was relieved that the test was over. She stopped where there was an open place to stand in the room and closed her eyes to pray. Lana began thinking of home and was anticipating the next week of not having to go to class. The middle of the semester was here, and she was ready to be done.
It’s not about you. And it’s not over.
Lana started praying. Her heartbeat wasn’t calm, it was racing, and for some reason her hands were a little shaky. Her mouth felt dry, and she thought it might just be due to the lip-gloss she had just applied to her lips, as well as the dehydration from the walk over from the student center. It wasn’t over. Even though Lana was practically done with schoolwork until the next week, there was still purpose to this day. Lana might have been finished, but he was not. She reflected and pondered. He still deserved the praise from her soft, pink lips and everyone else’s for that matter who stood in that room and roamed the campus. She had the victory because of Him, and she now had the responsibility to give honor and praise where it was due. Her eyes were closed, and praying, said out loud, “Its all about you. It’s all about you. Thank you Jesus.” A voice yelled, interrupting, motioning us to the stage. Walking out the door, in a crowd of people, Lana was thoughtful. “I am about to be a vessel of light on that stage today, and I am to do what the Lord was asking me to do for this day.” She knew that at this moment, she was to be an example to all and her purpose was to worship God. That’s not all that he had for her.
The music began as the musicians and singers came together with their gifts and abilities. Voices hit notes, and guitars strummed chords. The drum sent resonating beats throughout the chapel, and hit the back wall of the room holding well over a couple hundred people. Lana jumped in tune with the beats, a little here and there, and clapped on beat as well. A radiant smile on her face and with her hands lifted, she reached towards the heavens. Every time she opened her blue eyes, they glistened. There was a bottomless twinkle in them that could be seem by any being who had the priveledge to look into them. Lana was praising God how she knew to and she was honored and excited to be on stage singing for him.
Do you know I love you?
Everything froze. Lana heard these words, and automatically, without thought and with a unceasing smile said, “yes, of course you love me.” She went back to smiling and raising her hands in adoration and thanks.
No. Lana.
Do you know I Love YOU?
It was stern; a passion outlined and exaggerated in the words “I love you.” Lana’s heart raced again, almost skipping beats to run in the opposite direction of these words. She didn’t really want to think about these words, and if she did, she did not want to consider its application or significance. She thought about the significance. She thought, “I know this already, but why do I question it? What would be the motive behind this love?” Was it that she could not comprehend these words, or was it dull? Almost dumbfounded, she didn’t respond to the words, and even worse, she couldn’t. Hearing these words were not a huge deal for her. She had said these words before, to God and to people, and she heard them, but why was he asking? He already knew the answer, didn’t he? Did she know the answer? But what she came to realize was not the significance of the words but the acceptance of these words. Lana did not know how to accept them. She had heard them before time and time again, from her friends, her family, and at one point in her life from a man she cared significantly for. But even still, Lana questioned this phrase. For the first time in her life, it was as though Lana had felt the physical touch of Gods desire to love her, and it moved her. Her heart grew tired and anxious. She was fearful of what the acceptance of this love would do. She stood on the black box on that stage with her hands clasped, against her body on her chest. The presence of God caused tears to flood to her eyes. She opened them as a means to keep them suppressed. Lana didn’t want to cry in front of hundreds of people. The opening of her eyes only made the crying worse. Her knees almost buckled but instead, she slowly sat herself down on the edge of the box behind her. She had placed her elbows on her knees and her head was face down. People were singing around her, but Lana’s mouth remained closed, her lips unmoved. Tears streamed down her face, as she saw the face of Beloved in the shadows of her eyelids. Who was this man? He was calling for her, to come and let her be loved by him. He was handsome, yet so mysterious. The choir sang, voices united as one crying out, “Our God Reigns.” It wasn’t a performance with empty words, and it wasn’t a concert of hype. It was a declaration.
Lana just sat. She wanted his love, but didn’t know how to accept it. The man was Jesus. She felt unworthy. She thought to herself about this love from Beloved. She had always had a deep longing within her that she had searched high and wide for, looking for man to fulfill. In the shadows, walking towards her, she realized this entire time it had been Jesus. Not one of her guys friends, or brothers, but her lover. Immediately Lana reflected back on all the times where she had prostituted herself for everything but God? How long had she put God as a secondary relationship in her life compared with everything else? Lana had always said she loved him, but looking back at the times when there was a choice for where time would be spent, he was easily put aside to be tended to later. There wasn’t guilt or shame of putting him off later either, until now. Lana thought about this love. The love of God, of a man, who still would chase and call her out in all her busyness. Even when time had not been spent, he would call to her. She would run away, get occupied by someone or something else, look away, and still, he would wait. Whispering her name, he beckoned his beautiful beloved, Lana. “How can someone like him love me, even after putting him aside for so long?” God reminded her of the book she was reading. Hosea was a man who loved an unlovable and unloving woman, who when even treated well, would run from that which loved her so dear. Lana knew she had been doing the same. It was so easy for her to return to the old habits and ways. The same thought patterns and habits. Her body rocked forward and backward as she sat on the stage in chapel, her arms wrapped around herself as she wept. She sat there in front of hundreds of people. Who was looking? She didn’t care. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she looked up.
I love You. If only you knew how much. I love you.
Let me in. Let me in. Let me love you.
Lana had always feared being love. What she had previously known of it was painful. The love she thought she knew ripped her apart at a point in her life. It left her feeling empty and broken. Lana remembered what it was like to hear words of love, but watch as the action never followed. She remembered how her heart sunk when she heard that she wasn’t enough and someone else was much better. She remembered him saying, “You just don’t have what I need, and she does.” The noise of tearing flesh hurt her so. She feared the ripping out of her heart and didn’t want to do it again, so Lana built a wall. Once she rid herself of that past relationship, Lana trusted and allowed God to bring healing and mend that, which was broken. She allowed God to restore, but until this day, she realized she had not allowed everything to be restored. She loved God and all that he was about, but didn’t truly and fully accept his love. She would love people with the God kind of love, but she wouldn’t accept that same love back. Beneath people’s words of “love,” Lana would search. She would try and find the truth behind those words, the motives, their intentions. Lana sometimes heard the word “love” and it didn’t faze her, it was a loaded word, full of lies and without meaning. She herself sometimes threw the word around forgetting its meaning. For some, she said it and in her mind it was a stamp of acceptance or approval. For her, the definition of love that had been formed was defined by the words manipulation, rejection, and deceit. It was never enough. That’s what she knew and she understood. She had loved unconditionally but it was not enough. The “love” that had been shown to her previously was false, and Lana wanted nothing to do with it, until today.
She had never verbalized in her life what she was about to do and say. She knew God loved her and from reading the Bible, Lana knew about the love of God. Only Lana had never experienced it as she was about to, just as a result of accepting it as her own.
I accept your love, I accept your love. I am willing to be loved, I am willing to be loved. I receive it and accept it.
I am loved.
In her tears and with her quivering voice, she repeated it. She could not even count the number of times she declared this. The tears increased and her body rocked harder, back and forth. Her insides felt like they were being ripped out, but it was different from the last. It was strong yet gentle, powerful yet soothing. A flood had been released, only it came in the form of rain, and it filled everything within and all it touched. There was Joy. Amazed, consumed, and overwhelmed, she sat and wept in the presence of a loving God. Lana knew for the first time, what it meant to be loved.
8:10 am.
Lana.
She lay in her bed, and looked to her right at the tiny clock on the mini-fridge in the dorm room. The clock read 8:11, the colon between the numbers blinking, a dark red. She sat up straight, got out of the rumpled bed, hurried to undress, and threw a towel around her naked body. Moving swiftly down the hall to jump in the warm and much needed shower, she thought of all that had to be done. Lana had a midterm for one of her theology classes that morning at 9:50, and had wanted to get up to study almost 2 hours before actually awaking.
In a regimental, almost command-style, voice in her head she said, “I need to get dressed, pack my books and laptop, grab breakfast, and study. If I leave by 9, I will have a full 40 minutes to cram.” The "to do" list in her mind had already consumed the first thoughts of the day.
Lana.
It was said so sweet, and quietly. He was calling her name and Lana responded as she pampered and prepared, doing her daily ritual to get ready for her day and get out the door. As she brushed, her beautiful, blonde hair, the length covering well past her shoulders, shimmered as it reflected the dancing light of the sun beaming in from outside the spacious window.
“Ugh. I can’t believe I woke up so late. Sorry. There is so much to do.” Feeling anxious about her test, Lana thought to herself and remembered the gap of time she would have later on in the day to spend time with Him. Lana rushed to the Student Center. Along the way, while feeling overwhelmed, she was strategizing in her mind what still needed to be studied before she would be ready for the test. Today, her life in the classrooms would consist of one midterm, going to chapel and singing in choir, reading a book at some point, attending a business class, and printing off her plane ticket to go home. All this needed to get done before returning to her room at the end of the day. There would also be many people Lana would want to see and talk to before headed east for home and they would want to see her.
He said her name again.
Lana.
She knew he was calling her to come away with him, to spend time, but she had so much to do. He knew that she wanted to, but at that moment, she just didn’t have time. She thought, “I will later.”
She thought and spoke to him, “Thanks for understanding that I am stressed. I need your help on this midterm. Help me to remember everything I have studied and heard.” There was no response. Out of breath and walking at a good pace, she could see the student center ahead of her. Upon reaching the student center, there was an unoccupied bench, half in the shade and half in the sun, out by a patch of beautiful gardens. It was welcoming. With all the demands of her day, Lana knew deep inside she would need a little help. “OK,” Lana thought, “just 10 minutes.”
She walked to the bench, and pulled out her worn bible. Lana had spent most of her free time in the past 2 days reading a romance novel. It’s a modern day version of the story of Hosea from the Bible, a story about a man who God calls to marry a prostitute. It seemed appropriate to read the book of Hosea as a result. After reading a little, Lana glanced at her brown Roxy brand watch on her left wrist. It read 9:10. Ok, time to go. Ten minutes. Done. In closing her small, tattered bible, she shoved it in the little pouch on the outside of her blue northface backpack, threw it over her petite shoulder, and ran inside the double doors of the student center.
Inside the Lunchroom, a few people sat isolated, one person per table. Some were studying, some eating, some reading. There was a girl sitting at one of the tables. She was a dancer at the university. Lana had met her a few weeks prior to this day, along with another friend of this girl. Lana knew the friend had withdrew from the university. When Lana saw the girl in the Lunchroom, she thought to herself, “she seems lonely.” But Lana quickly reminded herself, “I don’t have time.” Deep inside, Lana knew the girl was lonely and Lana wanted to inquire about her life. However, Lana knew it wouldn’t be a short conversation, and concluded that she just didn’t have time to talk. Not now at least. She feared that the replacement of her study time to go and talk to this girl would cause her to fail her midterm. She kept walking. Lana sat down alone at a table on the other side of the room with her Café Mocha Latte and black bottom cupcake, her eyes fixed on the full review sheet on the surface of the unstable table in front of her. “Time to study,” she thought. Lana crammed as much in as she could in through her blue eyes and into her brain before walking through the big thick wooden door of the classroom to take the test.
10:40 am.
Lana.
She walked briskly along side her friend Josh as they headed to the worship office on the backside of the Chapel. Upon finishing their midterm, they were late in joining the rest of the choir for prayer. Before each service, all choir members would meet to pray over the chapel service that would begin as soon as the cue to walk on stage had been given. She rushed into the room feeling frantic about missing prayer, yet relieved when she found the students praying. She too was relieved that the test was over. She stopped where there was an open place to stand in the room and closed her eyes to pray. Lana began thinking of home and was anticipating the next week of not having to go to class. The middle of the semester was here, and she was ready to be done.
It’s not about you. And it’s not over.
Lana started praying. Her heartbeat wasn’t calm, it was racing, and for some reason her hands were a little shaky. Her mouth felt dry, and she thought it might just be due to the lip-gloss she had just applied to her lips, as well as the dehydration from the walk over from the student center. It wasn’t over. Even though Lana was practically done with schoolwork until the next week, there was still purpose to this day. Lana might have been finished, but he was not. She reflected and pondered. He still deserved the praise from her soft, pink lips and everyone else’s for that matter who stood in that room and roamed the campus. She had the victory because of Him, and she now had the responsibility to give honor and praise where it was due. Her eyes were closed, and praying, said out loud, “Its all about you. It’s all about you. Thank you Jesus.” A voice yelled, interrupting, motioning us to the stage. Walking out the door, in a crowd of people, Lana was thoughtful. “I am about to be a vessel of light on that stage today, and I am to do what the Lord was asking me to do for this day.” She knew that at this moment, she was to be an example to all and her purpose was to worship God. That’s not all that he had for her.
The music began as the musicians and singers came together with their gifts and abilities. Voices hit notes, and guitars strummed chords. The drum sent resonating beats throughout the chapel, and hit the back wall of the room holding well over a couple hundred people. Lana jumped in tune with the beats, a little here and there, and clapped on beat as well. A radiant smile on her face and with her hands lifted, she reached towards the heavens. Every time she opened her blue eyes, they glistened. There was a bottomless twinkle in them that could be seem by any being who had the priveledge to look into them. Lana was praising God how she knew to and she was honored and excited to be on stage singing for him.
Do you know I love you?
Everything froze. Lana heard these words, and automatically, without thought and with a unceasing smile said, “yes, of course you love me.” She went back to smiling and raising her hands in adoration and thanks.
No. Lana.
Do you know I Love YOU?
It was stern; a passion outlined and exaggerated in the words “I love you.” Lana’s heart raced again, almost skipping beats to run in the opposite direction of these words. She didn’t really want to think about these words, and if she did, she did not want to consider its application or significance. She thought about the significance. She thought, “I know this already, but why do I question it? What would be the motive behind this love?” Was it that she could not comprehend these words, or was it dull? Almost dumbfounded, she didn’t respond to the words, and even worse, she couldn’t. Hearing these words were not a huge deal for her. She had said these words before, to God and to people, and she heard them, but why was he asking? He already knew the answer, didn’t he? Did she know the answer? But what she came to realize was not the significance of the words but the acceptance of these words. Lana did not know how to accept them. She had heard them before time and time again, from her friends, her family, and at one point in her life from a man she cared significantly for. But even still, Lana questioned this phrase. For the first time in her life, it was as though Lana had felt the physical touch of Gods desire to love her, and it moved her. Her heart grew tired and anxious. She was fearful of what the acceptance of this love would do. She stood on the black box on that stage with her hands clasped, against her body on her chest. The presence of God caused tears to flood to her eyes. She opened them as a means to keep them suppressed. Lana didn’t want to cry in front of hundreds of people. The opening of her eyes only made the crying worse. Her knees almost buckled but instead, she slowly sat herself down on the edge of the box behind her. She had placed her elbows on her knees and her head was face down. People were singing around her, but Lana’s mouth remained closed, her lips unmoved. Tears streamed down her face, as she saw the face of Beloved in the shadows of her eyelids. Who was this man? He was calling for her, to come and let her be loved by him. He was handsome, yet so mysterious. The choir sang, voices united as one crying out, “Our God Reigns.” It wasn’t a performance with empty words, and it wasn’t a concert of hype. It was a declaration.
Lana just sat. She wanted his love, but didn’t know how to accept it. The man was Jesus. She felt unworthy. She thought to herself about this love from Beloved. She had always had a deep longing within her that she had searched high and wide for, looking for man to fulfill. In the shadows, walking towards her, she realized this entire time it had been Jesus. Not one of her guys friends, or brothers, but her lover. Immediately Lana reflected back on all the times where she had prostituted herself for everything but God? How long had she put God as a secondary relationship in her life compared with everything else? Lana had always said she loved him, but looking back at the times when there was a choice for where time would be spent, he was easily put aside to be tended to later. There wasn’t guilt or shame of putting him off later either, until now. Lana thought about this love. The love of God, of a man, who still would chase and call her out in all her busyness. Even when time had not been spent, he would call to her. She would run away, get occupied by someone or something else, look away, and still, he would wait. Whispering her name, he beckoned his beautiful beloved, Lana. “How can someone like him love me, even after putting him aside for so long?” God reminded her of the book she was reading. Hosea was a man who loved an unlovable and unloving woman, who when even treated well, would run from that which loved her so dear. Lana knew she had been doing the same. It was so easy for her to return to the old habits and ways. The same thought patterns and habits. Her body rocked forward and backward as she sat on the stage in chapel, her arms wrapped around herself as she wept. She sat there in front of hundreds of people. Who was looking? She didn’t care. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she looked up.
I love You. If only you knew how much. I love you.
Let me in. Let me in. Let me love you.
Lana had always feared being love. What she had previously known of it was painful. The love she thought she knew ripped her apart at a point in her life. It left her feeling empty and broken. Lana remembered what it was like to hear words of love, but watch as the action never followed. She remembered how her heart sunk when she heard that she wasn’t enough and someone else was much better. She remembered him saying, “You just don’t have what I need, and she does.” The noise of tearing flesh hurt her so. She feared the ripping out of her heart and didn’t want to do it again, so Lana built a wall. Once she rid herself of that past relationship, Lana trusted and allowed God to bring healing and mend that, which was broken. She allowed God to restore, but until this day, she realized she had not allowed everything to be restored. She loved God and all that he was about, but didn’t truly and fully accept his love. She would love people with the God kind of love, but she wouldn’t accept that same love back. Beneath people’s words of “love,” Lana would search. She would try and find the truth behind those words, the motives, their intentions. Lana sometimes heard the word “love” and it didn’t faze her, it was a loaded word, full of lies and without meaning. She herself sometimes threw the word around forgetting its meaning. For some, she said it and in her mind it was a stamp of acceptance or approval. For her, the definition of love that had been formed was defined by the words manipulation, rejection, and deceit. It was never enough. That’s what she knew and she understood. She had loved unconditionally but it was not enough. The “love” that had been shown to her previously was false, and Lana wanted nothing to do with it, until today.
She had never verbalized in her life what she was about to do and say. She knew God loved her and from reading the Bible, Lana knew about the love of God. Only Lana had never experienced it as she was about to, just as a result of accepting it as her own.
I accept your love, I accept your love. I am willing to be loved, I am willing to be loved. I receive it and accept it.
I am loved.
In her tears and with her quivering voice, she repeated it. She could not even count the number of times she declared this. The tears increased and her body rocked harder, back and forth. Her insides felt like they were being ripped out, but it was different from the last. It was strong yet gentle, powerful yet soothing. A flood had been released, only it came in the form of rain, and it filled everything within and all it touched. There was Joy. Amazed, consumed, and overwhelmed, she sat and wept in the presence of a loving God. Lana knew for the first time, what it meant to be loved.
No comments:
Post a Comment