Breakthrough

Written on DECEMBER 8th, 2007

I am sitting in the “glass house,” the home of one of the families I baby-sit for. It is somewhere between 10 and 11pm on Saturday night and after putting the kids to bed, I am studying for finals. I decided to take a break and journal what was on my mind. Considering I have been jamming equations and concepts in my head for the past 5 hours…I needed a break. I have a pounding headache, however, beyond that, exciting things are about to happen in my life. Does it look this way, not at all, much less do I feel this way… I am speaking it, making myself believe it and have to put all my Faith in Christ right now.

At the moment (11pm right now): my head hurts, I have been studying for hours and am ready to sleep, I feel so anxious and unsettled with the things simmering about in my mind and my heart. I am drained: financially, physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, and every other kind of ‘lly. I am so ready for breakthrough.
I had a moment this morning when I just stopped and started talking out loud to the Lord. I was in my room getting ready to run some errands before an intense focus/study session and before babysitting. I just needed Jesus.

This was the revelation I had: “I am in transition and something is about to bust.” I knew this before, but for some strange reason that no one can ever pinpoint, it just made sense. In my mind I just thought, “well of course the adventure I live will only and always transition from one to the next and it wont get easier.” It’s the kind challenge that makes superman fly. Before that moment, from my own perspective, the external situations of my life spoke of no promises or guarantees. I have 30 dollars to my name in a jar in my room and about to make 50 more tonight for babysitting, bills that need to be paid with money that I don’t yet have, and debt that lingers. I watch people’s kids and cut hair as my source of income… awesome (sarcastically)...all of this because, in obedience I stepped down to do what God was calling and is calling me to do this year. I stopped working at a job that provided more than enough, and now am using that time to study, spend time with people, and invest into the lives of the women around me. Shouldn’t I be living in abundance because of my obedience? I am broke, tired, longing for more, and weary. I am graduating in less time than I realize, with no plans in mind but huge dreams inside, screaming to be let out in my heart like steam from a kettle. I am drained and in need of breakthrough…phew… what am I doing? Jesus, what is going on in my life and why does my life look like this right now? That’s how I felt. However, and somehow, I still walk and live with a smile on my face… I know it has to be Jesus. The only other thing I do is choose to be positive and ask God to change my perspective…

Breakthrough. It is coming. How? I have no idea. All I am know is that I am standing on is the power of God that is at work within me because I know and believe that my God can do exceedingly and abundantly above anything I ask or imagine. I am walking in Faith right now, even in writing this. The external realm is speaking one thing to my mind and my heart, but the spiritual is speaking another and it is louder, and it is hopeful. I must fight to hear and listen to it. The means through which God will work and provide for me are unknown to me, and that’s ok… I HAVE to be ok with it. Otherwise I would have to ask myself, “are you willing to walk away from all that you love and know” and my answer is “Absolutely Never.” So here I am. Jesus knows it all, I just need to know Him.

This past Monday I had a great conversation with a dear girlfriend of mine about Faith and how sometimes the “gospel” we believe is not always biblical. Let me explain. In the church and in the charismatic teaching, we are taught that God has promised us abundant life. This is what we are taught and this is what I’ve assumed. I always speak it and verbally say “the best is yet to come.” However I am coming to believe something different. Though I believe that the best is yet to come in my life, I am also believing the God must be my source today. He is the best. He must be the “best” thing/person that I speak of. Yes, the bible speaks of abundance in every area of our life and the provision of the Lord, however the promises of God are inherited by faith, and they will never look the way we ever expect them to. The bible says, “YOU (meaning God/Jesus) are the strength of my heart, my portion forever.” This was a declaration of truth…GOSH… that means that God was someone’s portion, not JUST the provider. got it?

When Jesus encountered the wealthy man, what did he say to him? Jesus could have said, “great job, now use all you have and put it into this company and use it for this cause, oh and then go buy yourself a new BMW or Audi, whichever you prefer.” NO! Instead, Jesus said, “Sell all you have and follow Me.” that’s it. That’s all Jesus said. I think so often in our futile small minds we assume and expect God to meet all needs in full in our own timing at the same time. I know I do. I’m not saying that God wants us to live a life of misery or lack, or not drive nice cars or donate to causes, but what I am wondering is, “will Jesus alone, ever be enough for me?” Until He is enough, nothing else ever will be. This really challenged me. It made me say, “If I lost my snowboard, my computer, my longboard, my guitar, my ipod, my car, and everything else that I own, possess or want, would Jesus still be enough?” If for the rest of my life, I am just or barely getting by, or maybe not getting by at all, is Jesus enough? What would you say? Is He enough? I am asking you. Think about it… really…what is your heart saying? Not what you know or think you know, but truly your heart?

So often, our limited expectations in God cause disappointment in our heart because we seek the Hand of God and we expect him to show up in the ways we want or desire. When we have need, whether it is comfort from loneliness, money because of lack, peace for our restlessness, whatever it is, we need it fixed, and taken care of. We put time frames on God, almost always subconsciously, yet intentionally, or even demandingly. When we seek the Lord, what are we seeking? Are we looking to Him, his hand, or maybe and how he is going to show His faithfulness? Or are you seeking HIM. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe that we are to expect the Lord to work and show up in our lives, and just because Jesus never gave us direction for how to do that or a blueprint for his faithfulness, it doesn’t give us room or opportunity or a moment that we as humans have to fill in the blank. As a result of trying to “figure things out”, we are now running around all torn up and sad because we feel that God left us or even wondering “did I really hear the voice of God”. All Jesus said was to follow Him and Seek his presence. He did not say seek the answers, he said “seek me.”

This is where I am right now at the end of Saturday night. The parents came home and I left and drove to finish this at Nordaggios. it is 11:33pm

1. I know I hear the voice of God, and I am confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
2. This lack in my life exists in my external situations, BUT I know that my Lord exists to meet me when I seek him. He will also meet my needs when he wants to. I will fight to keep fear or worry from consuming my thoughts, for there is much more significance and purpose to my life. I am choosing to look to Him and spend time with him solely to know him for who He is. He is worth my time.
3. He already knows my need, I don’t need to remind him again, He will not forget them.

Breakthroughs are moments away. They are defined as sudden, dramatic, or significant discoveries or developments. I want it and ready. I am sitting here smiling, for this will be a testimony of Gods mercy and grace in my life and His love for his daughter.

My declaration: "Yes Lord, Your Face, I will seek"