Flickering yellow light. Warm blankets. Tired eyes and stuffed up nose. Soft music. Mint tea. My bible. In the "Refuge Room" of my house. 7:45 pm East Coast time. Saturday Night.
This is my social life tonight.
This is how I spend my free time on a saturday night.
This is how my heart feels.
This is what I do when I feel like this.
I get alone, and I think, pray, read, and write.
This is a written expression of what is on my mind tonight:::
SUMMARY OF MY FALL SEMESTER HOME:
After returning from India I knew to move home out of obedience to the Lord.
I left my closest friends, everything I knew as comfort and acceptance, and Tulsa, my home for the last 5 years.
Since then, I have moved back in with my parents and siblings. I have my own room on the 3rd floor of my house. I began to attend the church of my youth. My dog Snickers has become my best friend, one that expresses its strong desire to spend time with me.
I have gotten a job as a kindergarten teacher. My social life consists of 18 5-year olds, lots of family time, random outtings here and there with old friends, and some new ones.
I work, I come home, I eat dinner, I read and I go to bed. Its pretty regiment, ask my mom... I'm in bed by 10 and up by 6:30.
CURRENTLY AND THE LAST FEW WEEKS:
I am in a state of unrest and uncontentment. I have never felt so lonely, purposeless, or unfulfilled.
I don't know where I am or where I am going. I know I am where I am supposed to be, but it has never felt the way I feel tonight and have felt so many days this fall. How can I be in the right place, yet feel so isolated, alone, and abandoned?
I seek the Lord and hear nothing. I am frustrated. I am searching and seeking, yet feel lost... I have to remind my heart and mind of the truth. This is SO hard to do.
"Your mind is renewed by the reading of the Word."
This is a passage of scripture I read tonight... it is so fitting of what is going on and how I feel and this it best articulates how I am feeling.
Psalms 77:3-13 (paraphrased)
I found myself in need and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right,"
I didn't believe a word they said.
I remember God—and shake my head.
I bow my head—then wring my hands.
I'm awake all night—not a wink of sleep;
I can't even articulate what's bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by. (College and those seasons I was in, what God tasted like vs what my spiritual life looks like now)
My mind races through the night,
wondering how to get my life together and figure things out and what's next.
Will the Lord walk off and leave me for good? (Why won't you talk to me like you used to?)
Will he never smile again on me? (Why can't I see his face now like I have before?)
Is his love worn threadbare?
Has his salvation promise burned out? (Have you forgotten the dreams you placed in me?)
Has God forgotten his manners? (Why can't you tell me what you are doing?)
Has he angrily stalked off and left me? (Did I do something wrong?)
AND THEN:
... again I'll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders; (all He has done for me prior to these "feelings"- ones that come and go)
I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at your acts.
O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You're the God who makes things happen; (I got a job immediately after moving home without really doing much but seeking the Lord! Faithful!)
you showed everyone what you can do— (Heal, Redeem, Love, Give, Help...etc)
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble, (My life)
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph...
and on the passage goes.
THIS IS HOW I AM DOING.
I know the faithfulness of God, for I am a testimony of a life redeemed by the Lord. I only long to know him more, to walk in his plans, and for some reason, this season of moving home is the season in which I have felt the most purposeless, lonely, unfulfilled, and unloved I have ever felt. The Lord is refining me and working things in me. I am learning complete dependency and trust in Him. It is even harder when I feel like I am talking to a wall, wishing that his presence would once again fill this room I sit in day after day. I will tell you that when He does come take a seat in the same room (cause he has), I am moved to tears and laughter as I am refreshed. I want this and desire this on a consistent basis.
I realize that regardless of the state one finds themself in that we must remind ourselves that God is FAITHFUL to do what he has promised. Though I feel "lonely, purposeless, and unfullfilled" I KNOW that God is with me. He walks with me when I can't see or feel him. He loves me and is teaching me to love through the unlovable or unloving. I have come to a greater understanding of Trusting Him, Loving him, and loving the hardest people around me. God is so good, even with all the feelings stirring within me.
This is my social life tonight.
This is how I spend my free time on a saturday night.
This is how my heart feels.
This is what I do when I feel like this.
I get alone, and I think, pray, read, and write.
This is a written expression of what is on my mind tonight:::
SUMMARY OF MY FALL SEMESTER HOME:
After returning from India I knew to move home out of obedience to the Lord.
I left my closest friends, everything I knew as comfort and acceptance, and Tulsa, my home for the last 5 years.
Since then, I have moved back in with my parents and siblings. I have my own room on the 3rd floor of my house. I began to attend the church of my youth. My dog Snickers has become my best friend, one that expresses its strong desire to spend time with me.
I have gotten a job as a kindergarten teacher. My social life consists of 18 5-year olds, lots of family time, random outtings here and there with old friends, and some new ones.
I work, I come home, I eat dinner, I read and I go to bed. Its pretty regiment, ask my mom... I'm in bed by 10 and up by 6:30.
CURRENTLY AND THE LAST FEW WEEKS:
I am in a state of unrest and uncontentment. I have never felt so lonely, purposeless, or unfulfilled.
I don't know where I am or where I am going. I know I am where I am supposed to be, but it has never felt the way I feel tonight and have felt so many days this fall. How can I be in the right place, yet feel so isolated, alone, and abandoned?
I seek the Lord and hear nothing. I am frustrated. I am searching and seeking, yet feel lost... I have to remind my heart and mind of the truth. This is SO hard to do.
"Your mind is renewed by the reading of the Word."
This is a passage of scripture I read tonight... it is so fitting of what is going on and how I feel and this it best articulates how I am feeling.
Psalms 77:3-13 (paraphrased)
I found myself in need and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right,"
I didn't believe a word they said.
I remember God—and shake my head.
I bow my head—then wring my hands.
I'm awake all night—not a wink of sleep;
I can't even articulate what's bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by. (College and those seasons I was in, what God tasted like vs what my spiritual life looks like now)
My mind races through the night,
wondering how to get my life together and figure things out and what's next.
Will the Lord walk off and leave me for good? (Why won't you talk to me like you used to?)
Will he never smile again on me? (Why can't I see his face now like I have before?)
Is his love worn threadbare?
Has his salvation promise burned out? (Have you forgotten the dreams you placed in me?)
Has God forgotten his manners? (Why can't you tell me what you are doing?)
Has he angrily stalked off and left me? (Did I do something wrong?)
AND THEN:
... again I'll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders; (all He has done for me prior to these "feelings"- ones that come and go)
I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at your acts.
O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You're the God who makes things happen; (I got a job immediately after moving home without really doing much but seeking the Lord! Faithful!)
you showed everyone what you can do— (Heal, Redeem, Love, Give, Help...etc)
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble, (My life)
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph...
and on the passage goes.
THIS IS HOW I AM DOING.
I know the faithfulness of God, for I am a testimony of a life redeemed by the Lord. I only long to know him more, to walk in his plans, and for some reason, this season of moving home is the season in which I have felt the most purposeless, lonely, unfulfilled, and unloved I have ever felt. The Lord is refining me and working things in me. I am learning complete dependency and trust in Him. It is even harder when I feel like I am talking to a wall, wishing that his presence would once again fill this room I sit in day after day. I will tell you that when He does come take a seat in the same room (cause he has), I am moved to tears and laughter as I am refreshed. I want this and desire this on a consistent basis.
I realize that regardless of the state one finds themself in that we must remind ourselves that God is FAITHFUL to do what he has promised. Though I feel "lonely, purposeless, and unfullfilled" I KNOW that God is with me. He walks with me when I can't see or feel him. He loves me and is teaching me to love through the unlovable or unloving. I have come to a greater understanding of Trusting Him, Loving him, and loving the hardest people around me. God is so good, even with all the feelings stirring within me.
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