Saturday, March 13, 2010

As the fire burns

Written on February 18th, 2007:

Stay in the Presence of God, because it is there that the refining takes place.

The lighting of a fire is very quick. It is a choice, but it may take a few times. As a fire burns, the heat increases. It gets hotter and hotter, but only with time. The fire. It purifies. It melts, and it is painful. The descriptions can change depending upon the fires intensity.

My healing and purification will take place in every moment that the fire grows hotter. It will be the hardest, most intense, and breaking moments. It will boil away the unclean, the unusable, EVEN THE LIES.
We are asked to walk into the fire. We are not forced. We can reject this invitation.
The molding is next. An individual piece of Gold. When put into fire, Gold is refined, it is made clean. It comes out shining and shimmering, lacking in blemishes. It is set apart from the rest. It is moldable and it becomes desirable. It is pursued and sought after. It is only moldable when it has reached that place to be moldable. It is part of this process. The molder shapes it into his purpose, his desire. The gold does not choose. It cools and as it cools it remains in that state.

God is the great molder. The molder will only mold me after I am able to be molded. I must let myself be put into the fire, to be tested, pruned, melted down, purified and cleansed. God is an all consuming fire (Duet. 4:24) Am i willing to step into Him, into the fire? Tonight? Today? Tomorrow? Its my choice and its continuous.

At my core, I am a woman. Without titles I stand, in solitude, only with the physical, the spiritual, and with a unique personality. I am genuine but not by choice. I have an abundance of dreams and desires. But my fears and inadequacies challenge them every day. A sea has existed for years, yet it grows. My brown hair covers the scalp of my head, which covers, protects and layers this deep sea. Big and little are the things that swarm my thoughts. An ocean of waves. Things ripple and affect the other facets of my life. But more specifically at my core, the center of my being is my heart. A heart that longs to beat in tune with that of my creator. This heart grows day by day, desiring and willing to change each beat, to stay in one accord with the heart of my maker, my one true desire.
I stand by myself, accountable to One, and only one. Titles of the past and present lay on the floor: student, chaplain, musician, teamleader, director, sister, daughter, friend, waitress, etc. Fill in the blank. HOWEVER, with or without them, My heart beats fast, it runs and strives, and it tries to perform. But for what, and for whom? Who says that without these things, I am not enough? These things do not define me. I know my maker and I want his heart!

The Problem: At the root, I believe it is I. My mindset. In my failures and weaknesses, knowing my inadequacies, I quit. In fear I step back, to let someone else do the work, to finish the task. I step in when I feel safe when I feel needed.
Have I allowed myself to come to the place where I believe that I am not enough without talent or ability? Do I understand that my inadequacies are there for a reason? How dare I question my God, and what opinion do I have to say whether or not I am "good enough" ?

How do I change these ways, and mindsets? Only... By stepping into the Fire. The Lord is always speaking. I know it and I believe he is. His word says I win everyday; that I am more than able, that I walk in abundance. I speak it. The fire will consume me if i let it... IT IS WAITING THERE, ALREADY BURNING....

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