Splashing in Puddles

Splashing in the Puddles

I love rain! I love playing in it and drinking it! I run through it, play football in it, and listen to it. I read a verse today that stood out to me in this passage of scripture Proverbs 25:26. It says "Like a muddied spring or polluted well are the righteous who give way to the wicked." I looked up the definition of "spring," and the definition for "well" and for some reason I felt to look up "wellspring." I was amazed at what I found and the revelation I had. Besides being a season of the year or a trench of water in the ground, a wellspring is the fountain head, or the source of a body of water, a stream, or a river. It is the supply or source of anything, especially when considered exhaustible. We do so much in a day and normally our day consists of conversations and being around people, and as you know people can be exhausting and take a lot out of us. Just like us, wells and springs in the ground also dry up and lose their water and life. God has entrusted us all with our own "wells." Our mind is a well, and ultimately our heart is a well. Even our degree of influence is a well. God asks us to live generously, and to live our lives on behalf of others. He gives us dreams and visions and influence but how often do we allow our "wells" to be polluted with fear, with doubt, with insecurity? How often do we let our well dry up, or do we go to a mud puddle after the rain rather than a spring, looking for water to quench our thirst? Anything can pollute or spoil our waters, but only God keeps our well clean. Look to Christ to be the one that fills and cleanses your well. Ask him to refill you. Nothing satisfies us like Jesus and if we are not intentional to seek him, our wells we become like mud. Who wants to drink from a muddy puddle?

Tears and Blueprints

Just the other day, I sat in a room at the doctors office waiting to be seen. From another room a baby was SCREAMING at the top of its lungs. I am still unsure as to why the baby was screaming, but all I could think of was its tears. The screaming was giving me such a headache, but then I thought, "That baby sure will sleep good after crying so much."

About 3 hours ago, my entire family left the house and I decided to stay to get a few things done. Just me and Snickers. I put a cd on intending to motivate me to get things done for work, church planting, and my business. Well... I did get a bunch of work done, but also found myself taking time to seek the heart and face of God. I decided to write down everything I have committed to for the next year. Trying to figure out when there would be meetings, vacation, time to sleep, when to eat, when and where, and the list goes on. I was getting overwhelmed trying to think of how things were going to get done and how I was going to fulfill everything I felt called to be apart of in this season of my life. So as you can guess, today I too found myself with tears on my cheeks, praying and surrendering everything that I was thinking while in the presence of God.
I'm convinced that if there was one thing that is both the best and worst feeling in the world, it would be: Crying.

The worst is the headache afterwards that last for hours no matter how much water you drink or tylenol you take.
You are drained.
The best part is the release of built up emotion from places inside that you had no idea stored tears.
"Phew... I feel much better."


The definition of crying is "The shedding of tears as a response and release to an emotional state of the human heart."
Pretty amazing.
I mean think about it... It amazes me how humanity has the ability to release emotion through liquid pouring through the eyes, and how it can be embarrassing for some, or freedom and healing for others.
There are so many reasons why people cry and I once was told that "God loves our tears," regardless of what they are from.

As I was looking through my journal and reading, I found examples everywhere of the faithfulness of God.
I've come to the conclusion that when we don't know why we do what we do, or why we are where we are, God totally does.
In our worry or fear, or anxiousness, or even our discomfort or dissatisfaction, there is a peace and release that comes with surrendering everything. I mean everything.

The picture that comes to mind is a frustrated designer leaning over this table. There are blueprint papers everywhere with notes, ideas and numbers. Nothing makes sense. Hands on his head, he begins to cry, having to let go and trust that the God he knows and loves, is making the best plan ever created.



I am in the middle of a season of what feels like never ending transition and uncertainty. Barely anything makes sense. Trying to make a plan only unable to because every store is out of the blueprint paper I need to write it out on. There are things that remain constant around me (like the sound of video games in the background of all conversations happening in my house). Everyday I have to be intentional to lay down my own plans, my own design, my own project, and take up whatever the Lord has placed for me to do in that day. It is not always glorious. It doesn't always make sense. t is not always rewarding in that moment, and it is not the 1st thing I'd pick to do. However, it is refinement and preparation for the future. It is character building, it is preparing for the battle beyond the wall I have yet to climb over.

I am finding that the only lasting, freeing, and purposeful thing to do is to be honest with God and myself. When I am most honest, I mind that tears follow. Whether they be tears of fear, sadness, excitement, or love, they are still tears. We are called to trust God, and enjoy the ride. Seek him first is what the word of God says to do.

So... where are your blueprints. Are they rolled up, tucked away? Or are they out on the table ready to be written on, and refined?

Habakkuk 2 says to write out a vision, making it very plain. Then, surrender it.

God's plan is the best. It always will be no matter what we do or think.

Radiant Photography is Launching!

I wanted to make you all aware that something exciting is happening in a few hours, Saturday May 8th!

I am launching the baby I have been carrying for 3 years! Radiant Photography is here and it is beautiful!


I want to invite you to come out to the Radiant Photography Launch to see my photography, learn about Radiant and what its all about!!

The website is up and running, though it is still under construction... few kinks to work out, but at least it is something!

My website is: http://www.livingradiant.com

I am really excited and expectant! Regardless of what tomorrow holds and looks like, I know that this has been a total God project in the works and it would not exist if not for him... So with that said... you don't wanna miss tomorrow... and if you do, no worries, this train is moving and you can ride it later too!!!

The launch is being held from 10-2 at the Gilman School Family Festival. Click on "Gilman School" above for the address and mapquest it! When you arrive look for parking! Then follow the noise :) and look through the different booths and you will find mine!!

Hope to see you there and Thanks for reading along and believing in me and the dreams within!

Clogged

This morning driving to the airport at 630 am, we hit some congestion on the expressway. Too much congestion results in a clog, kinda like a toilet does. When lanes get clogged, no one can pass, and people beep their horns. People are impatient and selfish, not letting anyone merge. Accidents create bigger messes on an already clogged or congested expressway due to impatience or a lack of focus.

I am reminded in this season of my life that the only thing that really "clogs" or congests the flow of the spirit of God in my own life is simply, me. When I get distracted or start thinking on self, I begin to "clog" or stop what God could be doing in me. I believe that he is constantly at work within me and working all things out for good as I continue to love him and obey him. I am reminded that my focus must remain on him. If I don't spend time with him or put him first, my alarms bells go off. They are the things I detect in me that aren't my norm. I can get selfish, short with people, lose my focus, or feel discouraged.

I found this picture of a beautiful toilet. In fact it is perfectly clean, fish tank and all. I was thinking, No way does a toilet stay clean.... or does it? When we tend to our heart and our lives, there is no room for it to get congested or clogged. What if our tank, or our lives, looked like this? What would our conversations be, how would we respond to circumstances or people. What if our mind didn't get distracted by the good looking man driving next to you? Well for one, you wouldn't have an accident or fender bender and clearly, you can say good bye to all conversation going 60 miles an hour with wind between 2 windows. But in all reality, there is so much around us hungry for our attention. It could be a good looking co-worker, or it could be the agenda or the to do list.
Regardless, we need to tend to our toilet. We need to tend to our lane. We need to tend to our heart. It is the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit in our lives. When our heart is clogged, it blocks the move of God in our lives.

Who is writing your story?

A stack of books.

What if our lives were already written in a book? It would be the best story of adventure, romance, and mystery. Wouldn't it be so nice to go down to the local library, and checkout or just buy the biography all about your life a head of time? To know the characters who would stick through to the end, to see the repercussions from decisions made, or the blessings they would become.

I have found myself the past couple of days trying to "figure out" the next chapter of my book. I wanted to know what was next, who was next, what trouble was ahead, why I am doing everything that I am doing. I feel like there is so much more to do, to be a part of, and lots of people in need. I was getting anxious and worried about being in the right place at the right time. I was trying to verbalize to my sister and mom what is going through my mind, what I want to be doing, and what I want to spend my life doing. Then it struck me. I am not the author of my book. I am not the one in control.

Isaiah 40:26 - 31 is an awesome example of his power and his love for creation, including my life. It says,

26 "Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:

Who created all these?

He who brings out the starry host one by one,

and calls them each by name.

Because of his great power and mighty strength,

not one of them is missing.

²⁷ Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

What you just read was the very thing I read when I opened my bible last night before going to bed. They were the most perfect words for me for where I am. Just like a book as readers we can complain or wonder why certain things happened in a book and can't believe them. Just the other night I felt as if God shortchanged me or ripped me off, and as a result, I am not where I am supposed to be. Well, he straightened me out real quick when I read the 27th verse... "Do not complain and say 'My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God'," which basically means, "Stop saying, 'God can't see me, and he doesnt care about my life.'"

He continues and I love it! I love how God says Stop, Listen! I AM the EVERLASTING God. I do not forget, nor do I grow weary. You may grow weary, but I renew your strength.

How great to know that we know and have access to a God that wants to strengthen his people. He does not want us to worry about what to eat, what to wear, what plans to make, what comes next. He knows it all. When we have done everything and it isn't enough, God asks us to "Stand," after doing everything else!

Ephesians 6:13 says,

^{13 "}Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

So the next time you are wiggin' out trying to figure out the next thing, and doubt, confusion, disappointment, etc...just remember to Stand! He is the Everlasting God and does not grow weary! He works all things out for good for those who love him!

Some great verses and passages to read:

Isaiah 40 (whole passage is so great)

Ephesians 6 (Putting on the Armor of God)

Romans 8:28 (Purpose)

1 Corinthians 2:9 (Unimaginable destiny)

What is this all about!!!???

Hey! If you're reading this, it is the first time you've been to my blog! Yippee! Look on the list to the right and at the very bottom of it click on a post called "LTEL" to know what this blog is all about!!

Here's a scoop:

Live the extraordinary!!
I have created a blog while on Spring Break that captures my ordinary life through extraordinary living. It is a blog about my thoughts, my encounters, my dreams, frustrations, etc... of course its not everything about my life, but things that I believe will encourage people to fulfill the life that God wants for them!

You may recognize some of my previous posts because many come from the notes I've posted on Facebook.

Enjoy and look for more posts to come!!

Hi God. I feel alive, purposed, and hungry for more.

Written on January 9th, 2010:

This note is an example of God's provision and faithfulness, AND consistency in my life :) It is the second half the the last note I wrote and hopefully an encouragement to all who read this.
The last time I wrote a note or update, I was feeling so alone, so purposeless, and kinda depressed. I was so frustrated and SO wanting to hear from the Lord that when I didnt, it made things worse. I thought God had moved on to the next person and put me on hold. If only I really knew what He was doing.
The last month and a half have been quite the adventure.
The best way to explain it to you is just get right to the point.

God shows up in the middle of crisis, need, and desperation.
I wanted to know why I moved home to Baltimore, why I was teaching when that wasnt the "proposed plan," I wanted to know why I "wasnt hearing" from God, and really just wanted to know how He was going to do what he had and has promised to me.

Well.. lets just say, God honors the faithful. I was determined to hear from the Lord. I came to a place that I didnt care if he wasnt going to answer, but I was going to keep talking to him and I was gonna wait. I knew he had to at some point if He was who the Word says he is. In my car to and from work or running errands I would just pray. Some days it felt like a wall. I didnt care. I have always been told that when God is silent and when you are feeling the most alone, God is the most near. That doesnt make sense to me but I just figured I would go with it because I was thinking I had DONE EVERYTHING that I could think of... well, almost. In examining my day to day life, I found that I had been spending so much of my free time online. Whether it be facebook, twitter, email, etc... i was online whenever I could. So... I decided to do an undecided time facebook cutback... probably the best decision at the end of a year right before the start of a new year and decade.
Lets just say that I wasnt planning for what would happen next.

In the last month, I have been blown away at the peace God has given to me, the things he has shown me, and the positioning of purpose he has done for me. In my exchange of facebook for the word, I have found clarity, peace, and joy. Amazing, right!?
Some things worsened in order to God to show up. period. He's taught me a lot about stepping into people crises to watch God do the miraculous. He has given me opportunities to meet peoples needs in practical ways and has confirmed why I am doing what I am in this season of life. AWESOME!

Tonight as I sit by the fire I am so content and excited for what God is doing in and through me. I had the honor of being asked to be a part of a leadership team for a womens conference in my own home city. Through it I am able to be a voice for my generation and for the needs and empowerment of young adults. I find myself valuing this time of living at home with my family in this season of life, as I know it will not be like this forever. I have such a peace in the decisions I have made for the next 2-3 years that have surrendered to God, and he has returned to me an answer of peace and trust in him. I desire the word over relationship with people or "the to do list"... I desire relationship with unbelievers more than I have before, to be bold and love non-judgementally and without criticism. Eyes and insight for the world and into peoples lives. It is incredible to read the Word, it SHOUTS from the pages. It is ROCKIN my world, as Katie would say!

God is a faithful God. He loves us so much and is so proud of us. He is our cheerleader and our biggest and loudest fan. His Word is life and power to the mind and heart. He is reckless for us, summoning our heart even in the most inconvenient times. He is persistent, do you hear him!?
I hope that whatever season you are in, or maybe its just a thought or feeling you have... God is for you, and he is not silent. He is speaking, though we not always able to hear him.

I've been meditating on this verse a lot lately.

Ephesians 4:18
They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.

I'll break it down. Sin separates us from God. The world is separated from God. Why? Because of their ignorance. Ignorance comes from a hardening of a heart. A hard heart separates us from God. A hard heart can be sin. God melts the heart of stone.

Ezekiel 11:19
I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.

In the two greatest commandments: Love God Love People.
I realize that we must continually ask God to keep our hearts soft. Soft towards him and soft towards people.

I don't want my heart to be hard. I want my heart to be a softy. To emphasize with the broken, to be compassionate towards the needy, to be inconvenienced for those who need a listening ear.

Jesus is working in me. He is preparing me. I don't even know why, or for what. I mean how many 24 year olds who work full time spend their nights sitting by the fire reading the bible. It seems so stupid, and insignificant, and boring. But in reality, it is getting more exciting day by day. You should try it. It is luring me. It makes me want to spend time with people and share what he is saying. It is making me bold. It sounds crazy to some, but I love it.

Hi God. I feel lonely, purposeless, and unfulfilled.

Written on November 7th, 2009:

Flickering yellow light. Warm blankets. Tired eyes and stuffed up nose. Soft music. Mint tea. My bible. In the "Refuge Room" of my house. 7:45 pm East Coast time. Saturday Night.

This is my social life tonight.
This is how I spend my free time on a saturday night.
This is how my heart feels.
This is what I do when I feel like this.

I get alone, and I think, pray, read, and write.


This is a written expression of what is on my mind tonight:::

SUMMARY OF MY FALL SEMESTER HOME:


After returning from India I knew to move home out of obedience to the Lord.
I left my closest friends, everything I knew as comfort and acceptance, and Tulsa, my home for the last 5 years.

Since then, I have moved back in with my parents and siblings. I have my own room on the 3rd floor of my house. I began to attend the church of my youth. My dog Snickers has become my best friend, one that expresses its strong desire to spend time with me.
I have gotten a job as a kindergarten teacher. My social life consists of 18 5-year olds, lots of family time, random outtings here and there with old friends, and some new ones.
I work, I come home, I eat dinner, I read and I go to bed. Its pretty regiment, ask my mom... I'm in bed by 10 and up by 6:30.

CURRENTLY AND THE LAST FEW WEEKS:

I am in a state of unrest and uncontentment. I have never felt so lonely, purposeless, or unfulfilled.

I don't know where I am or where I am going. I know I am where I am supposed to be, but it has never felt the way I feel tonight and have felt so many days this fall. How can I be in the right place, yet feel so isolated, alone, and abandoned?

I seek the Lord and hear nothing. I am frustrated. I am searching and seeking, yet feel lost... I have to remind my heart and mind of the truth. This is SO hard to do.
"Your mind is renewed by the reading of the Word."
This is a passage of scripture I read tonight... it is so fitting of what is going on and how I feel and this it best articulates how I am feeling.

Psalms 77:3-13 (paraphrased)

I found myself in need and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right,"
I didn't believe a word they said.
I remember God—and shake my head.
I bow my head—then wring my hands.
I'm awake all night—not a wink of sleep;
I can't even articulate what's bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by. (College and those seasons I was in, what God tasted like vs what my spiritual life looks like now)
My mind races through the night,
wondering how to get my life together and figure things out and what's next.

Will the Lord walk off and leave me for good? (Why won't you talk to me like you used to?)
Will he never smile again on me? (Why can't I see his face now like I have before?)
Is his love worn threadbare?
Has his salvation promise burned out? (Have you forgotten the dreams you placed in me?)
Has God forgotten his manners? (Why can't you tell me what you are doing?)
Has he angrily stalked off and left me? (Did I do something wrong?)


AND THEN:

... again I'll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders; (all He has done for me prior to these "feelings"- ones that come and go)
I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at your acts.

O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You're the God who makes things happen; (I got a job immediately after moving home without really doing much but seeking the Lord! Faithful!)
you showed everyone what you can do— (Heal, Redeem, Love, Give, Help...etc)
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble, (My life)
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph...

and on the passage goes.


THIS IS HOW I AM DOING.

I know the faithfulness of God, for I am a testimony of a life redeemed by the Lord. I only long to know him more, to walk in his plans, and for some reason, this season of moving home is the season in which I have felt the most purposeless, lonely, unfulfilled, and unloved I have ever felt. The Lord is refining me and working things in me. I am learning complete dependency and trust in Him. It is even harder when I feel like I am talking to a wall, wishing that his presence would once again fill this room I sit in day after day. I will tell you that when He does come take a seat in the same room (cause he has), I am moved to tears and laughter as I am refreshed. I want this and desire this on a consistent basis.
I realize that regardless of the state one finds themself in that we must remind ourselves that God is FAITHFUL to do what he has promised. Though I feel "lonely, purposeless, and unfullfilled" I KNOW that God is with me. He walks with me when I can't see or feel him. He loves me and is teaching me to love through the unlovable or unloving. I have come to a greater understanding of Trusting Him, Loving him, and loving the hardest people around me. God is so good, even with all the feelings stirring within me.

I heard God through a boy named Matthew

Written on September 3rd, 2009:

I heard God at the playground through a little boy named Matthew.

Kids ran by screaming, playing tag. On the pirate ship little 5-year old boys were yelling and laughing. Little giggles from the girls riding in the wagons and in the toy cars echoed from the other side of the playground.

“Miss Hoffman, Miss Hoffman! Isn’t this the most beautiful rock you’ve ever seen?” said Matthew with such excitement, so eager for me to look into his tiny hands.

I was sitting down, Matthew was at my eye level. He raised it up about a hands-length from my face.

“It’s all dirty!” commented Emma in a matter-of-fact way.

“But even with the dirt its so sparkly and beautiful. The white is like sparkly snow. I’m going to take it home.”

“Put it in your pocket, so it stays safe.” I said.

“I just want to hold it. I like holding it,” replied Matthew in his sweet voice. “I want to keep it in my hands.”

At the end of the school day, Matthew carefully took his rock home.

God spoke to me at the playground today. When I got home and began to journal, I thought about this little boy Matthew. I wish I could record his sweet voice, and kindergarten words.
The past two days he has found the simplest things and has just admired their beauty. He made sure I knew. Yesterday it was a blade of grass. Today it was a sparkly white little rock with dirt on it, a pink flower, and a wheat stalk. Tonight, as I was having time with the Lord, I began to weep. The revelation I was reminded of was the one at the playground. The innocence of Matthew and his sweet perspective on those objects are the thoughts of our Savior toward us. God, being man and strong and holy and a warrior, is also the very one to hold us in his hand and admire our beauty and uniqueness. He is sweet and gentle, protective and observant. Not only will people, but we ourselves will comment on our mistakes and ugliness. We rehash the past, critique our shape and body, but regardless, the Lord looks at our life in such splendor. He wants to take us to his home, to speak sweetly to our heart, and tell us that we are significant; we are not just any plain “rock.” We don’t believe his words, we don’t trust that he will protect us.
I was reminded today through a child that we sparkle in the sun and in the dark. We will sometimes be undervalued, not valued, or looked over. It does not matter. Gods thoughts towards me are of utmost importance and worth. I wept because on the playground I could hear the Lord tell me that we are the rocks that he is willing to pick up and place value on us, just as Matthew did with the rock today.

A season of preparing... kind of like cooking...

Written on September 3rd, 2009:

As I am sitting on my bed at 1030 pm, when I really should be laying down and closing my eyes to sleep, I just can’t put this off any longer.
I am in an exciting season of life. First let me tell you...

About a year ago, I was prayed over: “Doors will open before you without your hand ever touching them. You have Gods favor about your life.”

About 3 months ago, I found myself back in baltimore. I moved home after college having no clue as to what I would be doing upon graduating from college. I have dreams in my heart and little direction. When I was in India the month after graduation, I felt that the Lord was asking me to move home.
All i knew was that the spirit of God had called me to move home to invest time into my siblings and parents, to reconnect with people, and to spend time with the Lord. Unfortunately, the third assignment did not take priority as often as I knew God was calling me to. I found myself in need of time with God, and had put my family and everything else before him. After 2 months of feeling drained, confused, without purpose and direction, I broke down crying in my car. I began thinking that the past 5 years at ORU had been wasted, useless, and here I was in my driveway wondering what on earth I would do with my life. I questioned what I loved to do and who I was. I wondered if what I was passionate about was reality, or just something that was copied off of someone else’s dreams. I was frustrated and mad. The times I had sought the Lord it was as if my ears were blocked, and I had felt forgotten by Him and everyone else. I assumed my friends at ORU had forgotten me, I assumed that my church friends from home cared less about my life. I felt lonely, and isolated. I had applied to jobs all over the world, literally. I made phone calls, and no responses. I got panicky. Katie, my sister, even told me, STOP worrying! I just was so nervous, and anxious, trying to figure life out.
You know how it goes... things just snowball.

In tears I cried out to the Lord, and pleaded with him. I didnt care if I felt lonely or was lonely. All I cared about was doing what God wanted, being close to him, and wanting to be where He wanted me to be. I wanted a job that honored God and people, I wanted to make good money doing so, and I wanted to find a job I enjoyed. I was completely against the cliche "Well you might have to do something you hate doing." That is different than doing something that is humbling. At least you can still enjoy humbling jobs.
I knew God is so much bigger. I wasnt about to just take any job that came up. I knew God could provide, I just had to keep reminding myself to trust him regardless of the external.

About a month ago, I took my sister, Becky, out to ORU. She is a freshman there. That weekend was SO bittersweet. I saw my closest friends, and people I did not expect to see. People prayed over me, and encouraged me. It felt normal and comfortable. It was a weekend of tears. I was so weepy. I didn’t want to leave but I knew I was not supposed to stay. I went to Tulsa expectant to hear God speak... and I did.

It was the Sunday before I was supposed to leave Tulsa after taking Becky to school. I was in church and I felt the holy spirit ask me to give all i had at the time of offering. I was so weepy. A few things went through my mind. Because I was in tears, I was thinking, “gosh, becky’s new friends are probably thinking I am such a wreck.” oh well.
Then I was thinking that I was planning on saving that last amount of money until I got a job. I also doubted that it was the Lord and I didnt want to just give because I had it.
But knowing the character of God, he desires our trust and our best. I knew it was God calling me to and in faith I had to give it. So i did... I signed the check off. My mom, sitting next to me, asked what I was doing and i started crying more. I said, “I’m giving all I have left.”
I gave it believing that GOD was going before me, preparing a job, preparing my heart, and mind, and rebuilding my discouraged spirit. That same night, my closest friends prayed over me, as well as my contacts from India. God dropped something into existence that night, and I know it fully well.

Driving home from Tulsa on Wednesday morning, I received a phone call about a job opportunity from one of the most prestigious college prep schools in Baltimore. I had gone to one of its rival schools for middle and high school, but did not know much about the job or the school. It has been 5 years since I’ve been out of the private school environment. You would not know what it is like unless you went to private school in Baltimore. Anyway, I had not yet applied for it nor did I even know much about it.
Soon enough I found out that it was a kindergarten associate teaching position. I would be co-teaching a group of 18 diverse kindergardeners, whose families pay 20k a year for their education. Yes, that is 20,000 dollars for a kindergarden education at these schools per year. Welcome to Baltimore Private Schools. We are the best :)

I set up the interview for the following week. I went through 3 interviews, 3 different days. Each day that passed after the first interview was a phone call about semi-finalist rounds, and finalist rounds. Out of 6 applicants, I was the youngest, with the least experience, and the most energy and joy. Let me remind you, I DO NOT HAVE AN UNDERGRAD IN ANYTHING EDUCATION... its international business and spanish.
I had the most to learn, but the most fun age to teach. I never would have imagined teaching right out of college, but I knew it was something that would stretch me and grow me. I prayed that God would make it known. I would have to do nothing but show up, be myself, and answer the questions asked of me. If this was the job for me, I knew that God could use it for preparation in womens ministry (educating, listening, patience, etc), it would grow my faith to be more child like, and more.
I got a phone call on a thursday morning. “Maggie, we believe you are the best candidate for this job. We would like to offer you the position. We hope you still want it.” Of course, I took the job and I started the following Monday. School started a week later, which was 3 days ago.

As I think about this whirlwind, without a doubt I know that it was because of the Holy Spirit and the Lord. I was faithful to do what was asked of me. I gave what was important and of value to me. It was all I had. It was the faithfulness and provision of God that this job came along. The economy is horrible. Fathers and mothers with years of experience have been out of work for months trying to provide for families. I have been out of college for less than 4 months, and have an incredible job with great pay and benefits. Not only that BUT I get to be with 5 year olds all day long. I listen to the things on their mind, I hold them, I put Band-Aids on their cuts, I read to them, I teach them. I get to lead by example. In my words, my responses, my actions, and my facial expressions. For some I am a mother, for others I am a big sister or a sibling they do not have. I have world changers in my classroom, and their lives are purposeful. I have the opportunity to speak dreams and change into existence in their lives. I play a part in their development as people. It doesn’t matter their color or religion. God knows no boundaries.

I am a kindergarden teacher. I love waking up to go to work. I love recess. I love when I have 18 eyes looking at me for my response or answer. I will not do this forever, BUT i do know that there is some major preparation for the future planned for the next year. God knows me fully well and what I am capable and uncapable of. He will supply my needs, He will stretch me. I am willing. This is my season. A season of preparation for the future.

At the end of a month of India

Written on June 7th, 2009:

INDIA HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE! Everything from prostitute villages, to HIV children homes, hospitals, slum medical camps, and Hindu street evangelism, we have seen it all. Everything from slumdog millionaire children, poverty, and more. We've seen desperate children with knife wounds, missing limbs, etc pulling on our clothes at an outdoor Hillsong concert, on street corners, and in the markets. We have played criket and other games in the slums as children (pillalu) come running and touching our hair and skin, wanting hugs and kisses.

We have been hands and feet of Jesus as we are laying hands on the sick and seeing healing, touching the heads of children and adults and seeing deliverance, infilling of the holy spirit, and healings. We have been to youth camps where we have led worship in front of 500 bible students, in churches from the slums to the ritz, and villages where the women wear traditional dress that reflect tribal ware to keep snakes and tigers from injury. We've been in traffic that is life and death, and have seen things that people would have nightmares about. Children in apparent hopeless situations desperate for a touch of life. We have given out medicine in the slums, huts made of trash. Cows do not graze in fields but in dumps. Rickshaw getaways from fights on the streets, and living in a city with 8.3 million people.

The food keeps our stomach alive and the extreme heat of both the sun (115 degrees) and food kept sweat dripping from every crevis of our bodies. We have gotten used to eating with our right hand, wiping with the left, and being barefoot almost all the time except in dirt. We sleep in a beautiful place with a rooftop view of the city as well as the constant running of the blue train that graces our house multiple times a day. Our power in our house is unpredicable and showers are buckets filled up and poured over us. This place is incredible. Our time here has been phenomenal.

We have truly seen restoration in people in ways that contradict western culture and western church theology. We have heard and spoken to countless people who have walked years in Islam and Hinduism and finally found Jesus... their lives forever transformed. Testimonies of lives and trials that bring tears to our team, realizing that we as Americans have no concept of true honor, sacrifice, and adversity.
Jesus lives here. He is working and making himself so visible to his children here in India. I wish that Jesus would show himself in the US in the ways he does here. We have a new understanding of the power of praying in the holy spirit. We have new revelation of prayer and the importance of it, due to finding ourselves in situations where truly the only way out must have been created by the Lord. We have had team members in hospitals, found ourselves in hiding, and pulling late late nights in prayer and worship. We seriously live in a city where even mapquest and google earth have no reign. We navigate by the sun and spend most our days driving to ministry sites no less than 1 hour away. Our team is close, and have bonded well. Vulnerability and prayer keep our hearts as one, ministry happens daily among our team, and contacts. The enemy has tried to tear our team apart through sickness, unpredicatable flexibility, and life threatening situations. But as always... he has failed. The enemy has been defeated and Jesus is reigning in INDIA!! GOD IS SO FAITHFUL!

We have 3 days left here. Today concluded our last "ministry day." Tomorrow begins resort day one... we have saved our free day money the entire trip to allocate to debreif days... we are all getting massages and staying at a phenomenal place... and it is deserved. We leave the night of the 10th and travel all day on the 11th, arriving in Tulsa that night. We look forward to seeing all of you! Continue to pray as all teams begin debriefing in their respected countries. Also pray for FIJI... they start their 2nd month on our return. Jesus' name is being exalted in nations around the world. Peoples lives will never be the same and on the other side of eternity we will see slum children, the sick made well, the HIV+ restored and whole. Jesus gets all the praise here in India.
Make His name glorious. You have 3 days left... ministry and missions is lifestyle and the best is yet to come!!

Love you and thinking about you as well!

An orphaned generation, a dead body, and the holy spirit

Written on June 1st, 2009:

My heart is moved towards the forgotten, orphaned, and abandoned generation...those who have lost family due to death, accident, or HIV/AIDS.
I have 1 week of ministry left here in India and I am leaving with no regrets. I will tell the hopeless about the God of hope, the Savior of the World, and the healer of the broken heart and body.

Since I have been in India, my favorite ministry sites have been an HIV hospital, and an HIV childrens home/orphanage. Other than the Slums these are by far my favorite sites. I have been thinking so much. My heart was stirred as I led two men with AIDS on beds to Jesus. They had never heard of him. They found themselves smiling as I told them about a simple mans love for them, and about a new hope that they could find in him. Even if they are not healed in this lifetime, they will be whole and alive with Jesus... I will see them there in Heaven... how awesome!
I held back tears until the door as I walked passed families who sat next to loved ones who were on thier death beds. I cried realizing that the Joy and the Hope I have personally with Jesus is not something to be hidden and kept from the world. I am called to be light in a searching for truth world and generation. We told people about Jesus. I am not looking for converts. I simply long for people to experience the relationship with Jesus that I know and have. People need healing in the emotional, physical, sexual, and mental. I am a testimony of Jesus' healing touch and have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
A woman and her small child cried as their husband and father was unable to walk and layed in a bed moaning. We led them all to Jesus and sat and cried with them and hugged in our arms the mother and child. It is not a field trip. We go alone, with no agenda and no time constraint. It is a beautiful thing.

The other day at a hospital check up, a family was outside the hospital mourning. I didnt immediately connect the body laying on the stretcher, uncovered, outside the hospital doors with the family mourning. It was so sad and not like a custom death. A mother had committed suicide due to hardship and was unable to continue in this life. People need Jesus. They are literally killing themselves because of their lives. Life in India is hard... and complaining is no longer an option in my life. We as middle-class, or wealthy Americans have NO CLUE what it means to suffer or sacrifice.
People need us... WE ARE NEEDED IN THE WORLD TO BRING HOPE TO THE HOPELESS.... Jesus is the only real Hope.

Today I went to Agape. A ministry that never says no to children affected and effected by AIDS. It is one giant family. They have taken in 210 children in the last 9 years. They are all ages, from 3 days old to college age. Lynn, the founder and owner, sat with us and shared about this ministry and her life. She is a mother of 210 children with a staff that has taken all these children to make a giant family. She calls them "The Gang." It truly is a sensational place. Lynn takes in all children who are orphaned and affected or effected by AIDS. All children have the same background. They have lost one or both parents due to AIDS and have become orphaned. Some of the children have HIV+. Today I spent half of the day in two of their 5 houses. A boys home and girls home. All children from these 2 houses (70 in total) are HIV+. They blessed me! They know the hope of Jesus. Lynn decides not to tell them about thier disease, considering they are so small there is no need to tell them they have the same disease that thier parent had before dying. Instead, they know that they have been taken out of situations only by God and brought into a family of God. :) HOW AWESOME. Today the 70 children were all under the age of 13. They climb all over you, and honestly, I forgot about thier disease. You would never know they had HIV+. Only some you can tell because of thier fatigue, inability to walk on thier own, hair loss, and others. But they sure know how to love. Today, before leaving, they wanted to pray over us.
I had 10 little girls laying hands on me, on my head, my arms, leaning against my side. A little one, Monica, clung to my body, kissed my check, smiling. I did not want to leave... seriously.

When I look at the last 3 weeks of this trip, I am amazed at what the Lord has taught me. I had never been to the Slums of India, I had never been to a prosititute village much less talked to a prostitute, I had never been to an HIV orphanage, or hospital. Every single place I have been, I am surrounded by people. Thats it. They have sin, so do I. I have been sick, they are sick. The only difference between me and them is Jesus. I have nothing to be afraid of, to share, to hear, to talk about. THAT IS LIFE.
This trip has opened my eyes even further to the heart of God, and of his children of the world. If anything, in all my travelling of the world for missions and leisure, I see more intensely the need of man for God. It is only pride that says we do not need him. I have realized more and more my need for him as I sit and hear the lives of people in this nation. I can only bring what I have for these people. Signs, wonders, and miracles will only move through me as a result of the intimacy I have with Jesus.

At a youth camp this past friday, we were able to lay hands on kids and watch impartations and manifestations of the Holy Spirit. Kids, for the first time, were filled with the Holy Spirit and began speaking in tongues. A woman asked me to pray over a tumor in her head, and upon touching her head very lightly, the woman literally fell backward and hit the ground. I hardly touched her, but I knew that in my touch God showed up. She was slain in the spirit. This has only happened a few times in the last few years where God asks me to pray, and a person agrees and they get touched by the Holy Spirit and it is visible. Not a question, God was there and peoples lives were changing. The woman said she felt better, and together we believe she is healed. She will go to the doctors soon and see the report.
Aout 20 lives were changed due to the infilling of the Holy Spirit... BEAUTIFUL!

I love seeing the tangible hand of God. It is rare. I love that we as humans can be used by a mighty God to bring healing. Even at a bible retreat we went to, I touched the belly of a girl with stomach pains, and the forehead of a girl with a fever and migrains, and both were healed. There were no more headaches or stomache pains... JESUS all over!!
Jesus will continue to use our team, and our lives individually even after this trip as we submit and commit our lives to him. We must be surrendered to the Lord. Period. We must continue to let God strip us of our selfishness, our pride, and insecurity. it is a daily surrender and it is genuine. God will help me. He will help you.
I want to see God work at Walmart, in my home, in my church, and on the street. He does and will.

Jesus, thanks for using me to bring your kingdom to earth. I pray that my heart would be forever submitted and surrendered to your will. If I lose all I have for you and your kingdom, then it will be worth it. Jesus, search my heart. My motives, attitudes, and desires. Make them your own, and let your Holy Spirit reveal to me those things, the ugly and the hindering. I don't want there to be anything standing in the way of your holy spirit in my life. Clean me and strip me of all I am. I will forever commit my ways to you, even if I get angry, frustrated, or don't understand. Even if my questions arent answered in this life time, help me to trust you above all and everything else in this world. Jesus, I love you and want to know you so much more. Teach me your ways! Enhance and anoint the gifts, talents, and abilities you have put inside of me. I don't want to live an ordinary life. I know your plans for me are good and extraordinary. Thank you for showing yourself faithful this trip and all my life. You are amazing. I love you. Thanks for loving me.

India Breezes, Slums, and Slumdog Millionaire

Written on May 24th, 2009:

Imagine This... Every morning you wake up in your own sweat. Stop... what do you think of India right now... haha... I LOVE THIS PLACE!!
Ok.. keep imagining this... You are driving down the street in an SUV with windows that do not go up and the wind blowing in your face. India music plays on the radio, and out the window this is what you see... Trash on the road, and in the gutters. Passing buildings that are half constructed or look war stricken. Fading and peeling paint make for beauitful photography. Motorcylcles with anywhere from 1 to 5 people on them, Buses, and Trucks filled with people. They are flying by you down the roads which do not have lanes and you are driving on the other side of the road. traffic and driving here is unbelievable... It is horrible. No crosswalks, no traffick lanes. All is fair in love and war. Cows standing NOT in pastures but in trash dumps and eating what they find on the side of the road. Dogs roam and men pee on the side of the road. I think I have spotted 3 children that have pooped in a gutter where people walk, and I have seen about 6 camels running down the street. Sometimes I feel like I am in one of the Borne Movies, Spygame, or in Indian Jones. Somtimes little children come up to glass windows tapping, begging for money. Little kids play cricket in an alley or in a field covered in trash, dirt, and little grass. The heat is beating down, and beads of sweat drip down every part of your body. A language heard and spoken that YOU cannot understand, and only wish you could.

This is my life daily here in Hyderabad, India. I have been here for 2 weeks or 15 days. I have 15 more days here. I absolutely love this place.

The culure is so great! It is opposite of everything I know. I am learning the language of Telegu... and little Hindu kids are the ones teaching me. The bathrooms dont have tissue paper and so this is what my left hand is for, however we make sure to keep it on us. The colors of this city are beautiful, the clothing radiant and the markets filled with music, life, and people. The weather can be wonderful at times, and horriible at others. Nights are phenomenal with cool showers, lightening, and big breezes. Every night I see a constellation I am unfamiliar with. From the rooftop of my house, where i am stayin in the country and outskirts of the city, I can see a train that passes by about 10 times a day. It reminds me of SlumDog Millionaire. Everyone rides bikes here. The taxis are yellow rickshaws (pictures to come). The people stare at me. I am a skyscaper in a field in this city. I actually have to hid my face and head sometimes to avoid commotion. Children giggle at the site of me and play and touch my skin. I make them laugh.

My heart has been filled with so much joy here in India. The people are so sweet and the children are not like any other children I have seen in the world. My hearts gets broken everyday I stay here. I have cried and laughed so much.

For those of you who do not know, let me tell you what I have been doing so far here in this country.
Let me give you a summary.
Some days I am in the Slums of Hyderabad. Walking through dirt piles, flyinfested "kitchens", and playing games with little kids who grab my hand and touch my skin because it is something they havent seen in another color. Shy little faces peek around corners to see the "americans" and all want "snaps" taken of them.
Other days I am on a stage singing songs and playing my guitar in youth services or churches. Preaching some days, and listening others.
I have been to orphanages, HIV hospitals, and villages. Two days ago I was in a prostitute village, sharing my testimony, and introducing Jesus and his healing touch to a group of Hindu women hungry for a love they have never known. All they know is this lifestyle of making money and living day to day by selling themselves daily. I sat and talked with these women. We laughed, hugged, shared stories, and prayed. This is the extraordinary life and this is relationship. They did not want me to go. I realized that even though these women now know Jesus, they still have to return to thier lifestyle. It messes with American thinking. But God is a protector and restorer. For this group of women there is no other option for income. Either they die along with thier kids and families or they sell themselves for income to have a simple meal. Jobs are not available, especially to these women. But God is bigger and can protect the physical and emotion state of these new believers.
This is just a few things I have done and seen while I have been here in Hyderabad. Seriously, people would not be able to understand or picture what I have experienced, seen, and touched here in India. We eat with our right hand, never using utensils, and the food has flavor incomparable to any american dish. I think I have become more health concious and picky haha.
But, God is healing people here. We are an extension of his hands and feet on the planet. Hindu's here are hungry to see and feel God's healing touch and to know a God of love, something they have no experience of. Temples are everywhere but they are pretty empty. When we have prayed over people we have seen miracles... It is incredible! I found myself crying during one ministry site when little children at a slum outreach got filled with the holy spirit and all they could do was shout Hallellujah! I have seen Hindu women cry as they have said they felt God touch thier body and now they feel different and better. This, people, is Jesus.
Jesus is a healer. It is so unfortunate because people in the US are so skeptical of the power and love and healing of god. However here, people are so open, and because of thier openness and willingness to know God, they actually see tangibly the touch of God and they can experience it the way it was intended. Most of the people I have encountered have never known the name of Jesus, especially the children. They are my favorite.

Well, this is all I can write right now. I have to go put on my sari (indian garb) and get ready to go to a youth service. I am incharge of games.
I definitely have a lot more stories, even some life threatening situations, and some experiences that YOU have never experienced.... But I'll keep you in suspense and anticipation until next time!

keep praying for me and my team. Our health has been good but we definitely need the protection and favor of God. Christians are not liked very much here, and we have already encountered this opposition. We are safe and alive and hope you are have a great summer! More stories to come!

Roommates

Written on March 29th, 2009:

I am sitting in my room @ 2 pm on Sunday. The last few days have been so funny with the weather. Friday, cool but then insane storms and thunder, buckets and buckets of rain... Saturday, a blizzard blows through with the high of 30 degrees and sheets of snow, layers upon layers... and then today, 60 is the high with sunshine... what the blazes!!??

Anyway, I should be doing homework but instead I found myself writing letters. Yes i am a snail mail, love note, thank you card girl. I love writing little notes to people and some think its interesting and old fashion... too bad.. i love it!

For a few moments I thought about all the people who have been kind enough to want to room with me over the years and I just wanted to say thank you for to all of them.

Alli Fisher
Mandrea Evans
Halie Tucker
Sara Swanson
Lisa Kline
Katie Hoffman
Becky Hoffman

Seriously, I feel like I have had the best roommate experiences throughout my years at ORU. You girls taught me a lot and your ability to listen and love were so crucial in my growth as a believer, a woman, and a friend. I definitely had my share of tears and laughs with each of you, and the sharpening that you did in my life was awesome! Thank you for pointing me to Jesus in all of my valleys and for your advice, your ear, and your prayers. Whether I was an immature freshman with boyfriend issues, or a supersenior juggling all the responsibilities of my life and others, you all have a dear place in my life and heart and I am so thankful for each of you!

I pray that even with distance between us and even when we don't talk, that you are women who seek the Lord and love Him. That you would love people they way you loved me and more. I am praying for you all and thinking about you on this sunny March day :)

25 Random Things About ME

1. At birth I was named Laura Noel, and later it was changed to Maggie Jeanne. My name means "Pearl." It is the only rare gem or precious "stone" that is formed by life (a living thing: clam). I am full of life... how ironic.

2. I am one of 6 kids and I am the middle girl.
Birth order: Girl, Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl, Boy
I think I have the most sensational and dynamic family... FULL of purpose!

3. I have been collecting spoons and sand from all over the world since I was 12 years old. The sand/soil is illegal i think... :/

4. I have been "saved" since middle school from what I remember, but really rededicated my life to the Lord while I was at ORU after God rocked my world... literally...... I am currently in my 5th year at ORU.

5. I got the baptism of the Holy Spirit when I was a junior in high school at a youth retreat at the beach.

6. I absolutely love seashells and sunshine and water... when I'm tan i like how it glistens on my body... weird fascination.

7. I loved flying kites as a little kid! Anywhere!

8. I love "spin-around" dresses. The kind that that spin when you do as many circles as you possibly can do before falling down

9. I really love being barefoot, OUTSIDE... like in a field of grass. Oh and I like laying down in places and watching the sky... a lot :)

10. I LOVE the smell of menthol... vicks vapor rub is the best!! I LOVE IT! ha

11. My cat Milo died this past year, he had been my best friend for 13 years. I named him after my favorite childhood movie, Milo and Oatis.

12. I realize I talk in the 3rd person around men saying, "we." I never use the word "I" and i dont' know why.
Example: "I'll let you know if we end up coming."

13. My love languages are: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch (some are stronger depending on who I am with and my comfort levels around those people)

14. I have chai tea at least once a day, and it Milano's weren't so bad for me, I would eat a whole thing of them in one sitting... i know.

15. With my family combined, we have travelled to 50+ countries in the world :)

16. God speaks to me a lot through dreams and people. I get excited to go to sleep at night because God will show me something about something, someone, or somewhere. And I like to interpret them too.

17. I don't really have a "type." I'll tell you what though... I am definitely attracted to the type of man who is genuinely passionate about the Lord and likes to talk openly and boldly about it, takes care of himself and people (spiritually, physically, etc), loves adventure, and who is consistent, loyal, faithful, and intentional. Yes... that is my type. oh, and he better smile, laugh, and talk a lot... i mean come on... he has to catch up with me ;)

18. My best friend is from the other side of the country! California, Baby!

19. If I could I would live in a bikini bathing suit the rest of my life... as long as I am at the beach :) otherwise, I love snow and like being bundled up... in snow pants too :)

20. My car is named "The Black Pearl." I love Pirates.

21. I have only broken one bone... my left pinky...

22. I have a scar across my forehead from when a cat scratched me when i was 2 weeks old.

23. I am really awkward on the phone. JUST FOR THE RECORD.

24. I had to go to speech therapy when i was little because i couldn't say my R's... instead they were W's... every so often it still comes out and i say teachew, or, weally...

25. I have a fetish & an obsession... underwear and eyes

Starve what you want to die

Written on January 25th, 2009:

Everytime I am in this house i get great revelations... I had a simple one about a week ago and it came back today too... it goes something like this....

I am in the kitchen, yes men, I am cooking. I am with 2 little kids and we are making a welcome home cake for their parents who have been gone for 4 days. I am also in the process of making them breakfast, they want cinnamon rolls... I realize that already this morning I have had yogurt, some cereal, chai tea, an english muffin, and im about to eat a cinammon roll...hmmm yummy, so good.

And it hits me.

I decide to look at the labels to find that after this I will already have about 900 calories in my body... DANG... for an entire day, I should be eating about 1400 (minimum) for my age and height. I am 23 years old and 5'8". It goes by so fast, and if we are not concious, we will overeat... get fat. I let the kids eat them, I have just part of one. I have a smile on my face, I made the right decision.

Food Food Food... many Americans are overweight and people wonder why. There is no self-control... of the body. People stuff their faces, don't bother looking at ingredients and find themselves on a scale with a look of disappointment.... hmmm.... I know exactly what this is like.

As i research on health, fitness, and the human body, it is interesting to find something so simple. Food and Physical Activity are necessities for life. You cannot have one without the other. Well actually you can, you just have to be willing to pay the consequences for substituting one for the other.

It is crucial that we eat right, and learn what our unique bodies need. Every person is uniquely created. If you need to, log what foods make you feel funny, angry, tired, sick, etc. You will be amazed when you start realizing that our bodies make us very aware as to its current condition. Eat enough fast food, you get diarreea and stomach aches, not to mention fat on your stomach.. i know what this is like to. However, the more you eat it, the less your body reacts to it... but the less you eat it, the better your body feels... and looks.

Then something else hits me....

We feed what we want to live. We feed our pets, our plants, our stomach, our kids, our friends, and more. We also fill our minds.

People fill themselves with reality tv shows, pornography, national geographic, the news, and other sorts of media and entertainment. Oh dont let me forget sports. I love NFL football...

However, some of us have no self-control... of our minds. We think about situations, resolve, and problems. We want to fix, figure out, and process. This is human and normal. Believe me, I definitely am a thinker and analyzer.

Then in my spirit i get a check.

Feed what you want to live. Starve what you want to die.

I immediately think on what i've been thinking. Where is my mind, where has it gone, what is it figuring out. Why are their pointless things?
The list includes some of the following:
Cleaning the house before the parents get home so they dont have to worry about it
Make sure homework gets done before campus worship and 2 meetings
I have a missions team meeting and an unleashed ministries meeting
Ella is outside with Slate (dog)
I havent read my bible yet, i want to before the day goes on

I stop. What?! What was my last thought. THe last thought in that 5 seconds regarded the most important thing of my day, but it hasnt taken a priority today. Hmmm....
I stop what I am doing, thinking, etc and go into my room... the kids are watching tv

I realize... in our life amidst activities, to do's, interactions, the like... we must chose to feed what we need most. Not only our bodies, but also the mind and the spirit. Our heart. We need to be healthy people, aware of our lifestyles and making sure we are being great not good stewards of our lives that God has given to us...

I encourage you to check yourself.... what are you doing and what are you thinking.

Feed what you want to live. Starve what you want to die.

one night in a hotel room

Written on January 5th, 2009:

I am lounging in my bed in a hotel room in georgia. the lights are off. the glow of my computer illuminates my face i am sure. my mom asleep next to me, my two sisters in the next bed. I can hear my brothers and dad in the room behind my bed.

I need Jesus. not just tonight. but everyday.

Let's preface... This break has been good. it has been what i needed from a hectic semester with some tough classes. this break I have been able to do some of the very things I love.
i have spent quality time with my family. I have snowboarded, played in the ocean, read by the fireplace, cuddled with my siblings, and laughed harder than i have in a while. i ran around disney like a little girl, giggly and exited about the princesses of stories that i wish i was in. where is my prince?
i have cried myself to sleep, taken pictures of beautiful sunsets, and laughed as i have made music videos with siblings.
somedays i think i have the best family in the world. somtimes i think i have the worst. Not because they are perfect, actually quite the opposite. they are human.

They argue, they fight, they yell, and they sometimes make me cry. They are honest and they are real, nothing fake. they also love. they are hilarious, unihibited, bold, and dramatic.

I too am Human. I instigate, I rebuttal, I yell, I am mean. I don't want to do any of this ever but sometimes i do. I want to love. but not love like a human. i want to love like Jesus. and I want to be loved like Jesus. I know I am.

in this hotel room i am reminded, more of a revelation, deep night one, that i need jesus. i watch a news scroll on tv "bombs being sent into Israel."

Our world needs Jesus.

One thing I do know, is that I have Him in my heart, and I have a relationship with him. I am forever thankful for the love of God and how he saved my life and how he continues to save my life. Jesus, thank you.

At the end of this I also know that change will happen both in my life and in my family's because I have Jesus. but also because I have to make a choice to give Christ my everything, to give him... Me. It is so simple, but so daily. that is hard.

fact is that away from ORU I am not surrounded by godly friends. not surrounded by the praises of god by man. not under the influence of godly men and women. i am thankful for what i have gained at ORU... its not like "home." it is a choice, what is the state of my mind, my eyes, my heart. everything. my music choice. my time spent. everything.
DAILY i must examine my heart, and read the Word and make sure the 2 line up... Maggie, Check yourself.

I have experienced this many a times throughout my 5 years at ORU... it is what life after ORU CAN look like, if you let it.

So simple yet so hard. daily.

Jesus, here I am.

To Hell and Back... I am forever thankful for a redeemed life

Written on November 27th, 2008:

I have quite a lot to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day. After pounding tons of food, feeling like my belly might be full like “twins,” I sat downstairs, just talking with the women of the house about family and God and literally, just our lives. Where we’ve been, where we’ve come, everything in between. We shared testimonies and things the Lord had done for us. Wow. Hah. How awesome it is to think of everything: every battle, every victory, every situation and trial… and how I am still alive, a smile on my face, Joy in my heart, eyes on Jesus.
I went to Dallas this Thanksgiving, a little different than the norm. I was given the honor of staying with a family over the ORU Thanksgiving Break. HOW AWESOME IT FELT, to be with a family.

I haven’t been home for Thanksgiving in 5 years. I wish I could be. My family means the world to me and I am forever thankful for them.

Tonight, I sat and listened to a woman share about the death of her son, nearly two years ago. I listened to a woman talk about the prayers that had gone out, and had been faithfully answered by God. I sat remembering what life was like before giving my life to Jesus, what it felt like to live without Truth inside of me. I shared about the second chance God gave me, redeeming my life and giving me a life I never thought possible but only heard about.

God ordains my feet. He knew I was supposed to be in Dallas this weekend, He knew I was supposed to be at ORU as a freshman 5 years ago, He knew that I needed him, He knew I had a reason to be alive.

I have SO much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my Jesus, my Savior. He redeemed my life, unlocked my self-created cage of torment, sin, deceit and manipulation, giving me a hope of earthly and eternal life! His love is all that I need and HE is the ONLY thing that I found that has set me free from it all!

I am thankful for my family. They have brought me joy, and laughter, and at other times have frustrated me, teaching me to love unconditionally, to love despite, and to look to Jesus. They are my support, my encouragers, my dreams-supporters, and they believe in everything I put my hand to. They love me so much, they tell me, and they don’t even need to, I already know. They are my prayer warriors, they too have come to know Jesus. They break for the things of God and are determined. They are the guards of our families heart, it beats for love and unity, though it wouldnt always look like it. They are lovers and cuddlers, they love attention and love to give it.

I am thankful for my friends. For their honesty, their faithfulness, their ability to love me while I walk through processes and trials, they make me laugh, they challenge me to walk with high standards and never look away from God and his plans for our lives. They sharpen as iron, refining, shaping, influencing, and the ones that will pray for me regardless of the time or hour. They tell me when I don’t listen or need to listen better. They know when to talk and when not to. They ask me for help when they need it, or I ask them when I do. They listen, they pray, and they point me to the Lord. They know they are only human, but are confident that God is God.

I am SO thankful for My life and everything in it. I have traveled the World, done exciting things. I own a car, I have gifts and abilities, some even call me a jack of all trades. I can sing (I think and hope), and can play instruments, I am a problem solver, I can snowboard, skateboard, play sports, and read. I am great with people, thats what Im told, and I have to agree... i love people. I can communicate (some times better than other times). I can write my full name on a piece of paper, my mind thinks clearly most of the time, the best when I am alert. I can speak and I can walk, even run when I feel like it. I have no limits, and when I exceed them, that is when I will meet my Jesus in Heaven. Ha. I can take risks and have the ability to feel emotions and the effects of them on me. I know what goes into loving someone, and know what its like to be broken and damaged as a result. I am a lover and a forgiver, and I will fight through anything. I want to be one that gives life. I have reasons to smile, but even when I don’t feel like I have them, I still smile. I am even thankful for the name given to me. Maggie, it means Pearl. A pearl is the rarest of all the precious stones because it is the only one that is created from something living. I didn’t realize or learn this until just a few months ago actually, and it is a reminder of my value and the thoughts of God towards me. I always have wanted to be someone that is life-giving, speaking life and encouragement, brightening someone’s day. Without them knowing my heart, people have told me that I radiate Christ, something I once dreamed of during a time when I was once lifeless, joyless, hopeless and trapped. Dreams do come true, thanks to the lover of my soul.

I pray that my life is a life of thanksgiving. That praise to God would continually be on my lips. That in all things I thank the Lord for what he has done. I will praise and thank Him in the Good times and the Bad, because he is the one who loved me enough and brought me into this awesome life. I want to live a life of love. With God inside of me, I will have no problem doing this, because he is my continual help. He shows me how to love Him, love myself, and love those around me. He is my ability and confidence to love people, even the ones I meet on the streets of India or Spain, or even the Wal-Mart across the street. He has taught me Truth, and the ways of life. Which way to walk and where not to. It’s up to me, to make the choice.

I am forever thankful for this life I have been given. My life will never be the same because of Christ. My life is not my own ☺

What does Grace look like 'cause I'm pissed off and ready to yell

Written on October 31st, 2008:

You know, I am sitting at my desk in my room at 130 in the morning and i really am so annoyed. Actually, thats not even the words to be described. I am pissed off, annoyed, frustrated, and sorrowful all at the same time... plus a few others. I am being real, so get over it.

Tonight, the bonfire was lit prematurely and all fire alarms across campus were pulled. Students came out, people were hiding, being disrespectful, complaining, and the like. I definitely was annoyed and had to put a filter and seal over my mouth. I was annoyed and it was for valid reasons. However, the actions of some of the people on this campus are not. This is normal in the world we live in, and unfortunately, it has become normal among the body of christ.... clearly.

I know that we are a broken people. We all have broken lives, issues, matter of the heart that need to be fixed, and we need solution. We need Jesus.

I am attending a school actually a university that I have CHOSEN to come to. I LOVE THIS PLACE and all it stands for. I understand that there are rules, and there are standards that have been set before us, and some of them, we do not necessarily understand why they are in place yet there are standards and they are backed up with biblical support... and i get that and i respect that. But what I DONT get is that how so many people (STUDENTS) come here, with awesome stories of how God brought here, why they love this place, and why they dont want to leave, and YET they are rebellious, complain about the rules, etc... and act like and say there is no freedom... let me say one thing... YOU HAVE THE FREEDOM TO LIVE HOW YOU WANT and YOU HAVE THE FREEDOM TO LEAVE...

I WANT TO BE HERE. I am ok with submitting to the authority placed before me, I am ok that there are standards set before me that i have to live with, and I understand that there will be discipline when I am out of line... I understand these are here for greater purpose than I know, and I also know that these are God purposed things as well.

If you dont like the rules or even ORU and what they stand for, LEAVE. Please. There are places you can go that are cheaper, rule free, wild, fun, and honestly, ask yourself why you really came.
Believe me, we want you here, I am in leadership here and we want you here. We know you can be transformed through this place because of the focus on Christ placed as a priority at this school and by those who believe in ORU. However, I also known that the Love of God is not confined to a school campus, and some of you people reading this, there is a possiblility that this place IS NOT for you... and God can take you somewhere else to LOVE you where you need it.....
I stood tonight and watched as many students of the ORU stood outside waiting for security to give the go to permit students to re-enter the dorm. I found myself really saddened as I looked at the downcast face of our Student Body President walk through the mass of people being rushed out of the dorms. I am sure he feels as if he has labored in vain and his work was for nothing. I watched a student who has led worship in chapel mouth off to a fellow student, the only difference was that he had a title and the one who led worship did not... hmmmm..... this saddens me... I watched girls give dirty looks to other girls only because of being asked to move closer to the dorms as the men walked slowly back to the dorms....

ORU is different from the world... that is why it is so special. We are set apart, or at least most of us want to be... isn't that why we all are here!? I am annoyed because we are not living to the standard we know we should be living at... and this standard is not a false expecation or too high or whatever. The Standard is Jesus, and with Christ all things are possible, meaning failure in our processes are impossible. WE MUST UNDERGO SURGERY, and THAT is submission and abandonment.

I ask the Lord, "Lord! What does Grace look like 'cause i am pissed off and ready to yell at some people... they are SO jacked up!!?" I am thinking that I want to confront some people, yell in their face, and tell them to leave this place.
But my heart is quicked and sadness fills it... Jesus says, "LOVE INSPITE. I LOVE THEM." I continue to say, "LORD! But what does Grace look like now?" God says, "PRAYER" I am lead by the spirit of God, and when i am lead then action and verbatim will be utilized. Until his leading... i will pray.
So i am heart checked tonight by the Lord and led to a greater realization of the need for prayer for my campus, the students who are my friends, my family in Jesus.

I am beginning to pray differently for this campus. I will pray that God will weed out the weeds that are hindering the healthy functioning of the body of Christ aka the people who dont like the rules and dont really want to be here. I know God is not limited by location, and God can heal them and fix those people somewhere else if he wants... so ill pray and see what God does. I will pray that the spirit of rebellion within the body of Christ on this campus (THE STUDENTS) will be shattered, and gets a kick to the curb. I will pray for men and women on this campus who are bold enough to stand up for truth and live it truly to those on this campus that need to see it. I will pray for strategic positioning for those who are supposed to be here but have serious issues. I know we all have them, but some people cart behind them caravans of junk... Lets keep the person, but get rid of the junk....

Thanks for reading. I am venting, and I am being real. I am honest in saying that there are some real people bother me mainly because of thier actions and words, however I will also say that these are the people that i really want to watch and see what the Lord does in them. What does Grace look like. You know I dont know. But I know that the Word of God is not my the truth, and truth is what sets people free. My desire is that I will willingly let the Word of the Lord be the standard by which i not only live my life, but that those on that campus will as well... we walk as students of ORU and as people who represent the kingdom of God...

Stuck in arms I can't get out of... I AM LOVED MORE THAN I KNOW

Written on September 6th, 2008:

"Sowwry maggie, I am a snuggwlebug. Awe you?"

It is 8:15pm on Saturday night. I am laying in the middle of a bedroom on the carpet. The two beds in the room are empty, and the pillows and covers have been removed. I am laying in the middle of the floor. I am stuck and can't really move. I see the bright lights on the ceiling from a vehicle pulling onto the street...

15 minutes earlier.
"Bed Time!" I yell. Little feet scramble off the couch and little bodies curl up on the floor of the living room trying to hide. After the littlest one would not move and goes limp, i am forced to carry her upstairs. I finally get them both up stairs and into their beds. I am about to kiss their sweet and precious faces goodnight and they tell me not to leave. All i wanted to do was to tuck them into bed and pray with them so that they could fall sleep and so i could do homework. Well, it didnt happen.
Instead they said, "pwease?!" proceeding to tell me they are afraid of nightmares and telling me that they couldnt sleep and then say "why wif me. pwease?"
In other words, "lay with me please" The little lisped words made me smile and so i cave in. I lay down next to the little one. However, jealousy was inevitable and after she gets her request, the other one asks the same.... SO the only solution... a slumber party on the floor.
Lots of pillows, lots of sheets. They both get me.

I am laying on the floor in the middle to two little kids. These little people I am laying next to are my adopted kids. Thats what I call them. They are the kids I watch quite frequently, almost every weekend when thier parents need a date night, have a concert to go to, or dinner out. These kids are beautiful and sweet, precious. They are little, both under 7 years old. It is this great cycle. They make me laugh, get me frustrated, and then make me smile. I am like their other mom. They call my cell phone and ask me when I am coming over, and always ask "Can you come plawy?" and "Are you spending da night?" and more.

Ella and Phoenix both wanted to cuddle. I am laying on the carpet, and i am laying on my side in a fetal position. I am thinking, "after they fall asleep I can move and leave." However, this does not happen... almost an hour goes by before i ever leave the room. After they both roll around on the floor trying to get comfortable, they finally do. I have a little girl curled up next to me, her back to my stomach, her head laying on my bicep, almost in my armpit. She has moved my arm as if she wants me to just hold her. I am holding her body in my left arm. Both her arms wrapped around my left arm. Then on the other side, I have the little boy curled up against my back. He has grabbed my other arm and puts it across his chest and wraps both his arms around my right arm. I am stuck in arms I can't get out of....

As I am laying there I am thinking... this is ridiculous. One moment these kids are mad at me cause i won't give them the sweets their parents specifically asked me not to give them. Another moment they are arguing over what movie to watch, or who makes who the mad most. I am annoyed (kind of) when they don't listen to me and run around the house naked as i am trying to get them bathtubs... only then i start laughing when they both start dancing at the top of the stairs stark naked. I try to hug them and they run, but then they don't like when I don't sit with them and play.

I am still laying on the floor. They are quiet and at this point, I am resting, still bound, and my eyes are closed. As I lay there, little Ella rolls over and kisses me about 8 times on the face. A few on my forehead, my hair, and my right cheek. (I pretend I am sleeping because otherwise they talk to me and ask me me crazy questions and always the question "are you spending the night" and Im hoping that my pretending will make them fall asleep faster.)
Ella touches my earring, and then my ear, and then whispers in my ear, "I wove you, maggie" (i love you maggie). she rolls back over with her little body spooning me and falls asleep in about 5 seconds. I am laying there, dumbfounded and stuck. Little people wrapped around my arms, content and asleep. Not a care in the world, and they know that i love them. I am stuck in arms I can't get out of but I am loved more than I know...

It hits me so hard.... "You, Maggie, are loved more than you KNOW, REALIZE, or WANT." I lay there, still with these kids on both sides and its as if the Lord is telling me, "Maggie, I love you more than you know, realize, or want."

It is funny how the Lord will use anything to show me His love for me. Though these kids act one way while i am watching them, at the end of the day, they cease to amaze me by somehow expressing their love for me. Love is not always expressed when we need it, want it, or expect it. Sometimes we get it when we don't want it. or don't think we need it.

I may not always feel the love of those around me. sometimes i don't want it or believe it. I may need a hug and never express it to anyone. I may not always run to the Lord for my source of love, sometimes i run to people. sometimes i run to myself. sometimes i put my need to be loved to death, pretending i dont need it to live and if i dont get it, its ok and normal. when it comes to mind, i sometimes try to get it out of my mind, pretending that i have all i need. pride. hmm.
it hits me... i am a bleeding heart needing to know the love of God yet i don't always run to him. sometimes i don't want to know it. it is too big, too sweet, too kind. its too good to be true, and i dont feel deserving. i always thought love was conditional. it had to be earned. and it had to be given first to receive it. i havent always been able to give it or return it.

I am learning still to love and be loved. I feel as though i have gotten much better at knowing how to love... but I don't always know how to accept or receive love. I am still learning. tonight was hard and so good. i didnt really want to know that i was loved, but i needed it and needed to know i am loved more than i know or want.

i am stuck in arms I can't get out of.... so what do i do? I stay stuck as the words "I love you" penetrate me heart.... I fall asleep... there is peace, hope, and LOVE...