I saw Jesus through a child

Written on November 9th, 2007:

I am sitting on a couch in a house i call "the glass house." it belongs to a family that i nanny for and they have 2 beautiful kids. tonight was a sleepover, in which i had not 2 but 4 kids... all under the age of 5. it is 1035, and i have been here since 330... a little over 7 hours.

At this point in the night, i am sitting surfing the web and facebook and checking emails, so tired from College Weekend and a busy week, while little people dream upstairs.
I walked into the house today finding the house completely wrecked... the wife of the home is touring china for two week and the husband works a lot... a pregnant nanny is here during the day, and was here when i got here... once i arrived she gave me the car keys, and left me with these 4 kids. they started screaming "i want a snack," "he hit me," and my favorite of the whole night, "when are you gonna have a baby." I proceeded to step into mom shoes....they ran to my legs wrapping little arms and hands around me. I picked them up and kissed them and hugged them. I fed them, chased them, played games with them, watched 3 movies with them, made dinner, cooked, cleaned up messes, did laundry, gave 4 baths to (one for the boys, one for the girls), kissed and snuggled, then chased them upstairs to make a fort for the boys to sleep in and a big bed for the girls to be tucked in. I chased naked little bodies around and once i caught them and dressed them, I tucked them in. I prayed with them, and they said to pray to Mary, i said no and kept going haha. I get to discipline them when they are bad and it looks like this: she scratched his face, he shoved her head...both cried and so i made them sit in two chairs facing each other for 3 minutes... then one got up before the timer so his timeout was longer...she cried because his timeout was longer than hers...so she sat back down...timer goes off, both come say sorry to me and to each other, snuggle up next to me to watch dora the explorer...great ha...this is easy :)

Phoenix and Ella. He is 5 and she is 3. I absolutely love these kids. I guess having been one of six kids, little people just amaze me and I love them.

Ella is full of questions. "where does God live?" "Can i see angels?" "When are you gonna have a baby?" the list goes on. I found myself for the first real time ever, seeing and witnessing a perfect example of childlike faith. I led this same little girl to the Lord the other night when i was babysitting. I prayed with her and told her that all the angels were so excited that she accepted Jesus into her heart and they were smiling so big. She then asked, "I wanna see God and i wanna see angels." I proceeded to say, well God will show himself if you just ask... not thinking that she would really...ask right then. "God, I wanna see angels...and you." Through her little lips, her sweet innocent little voice said this with eyes closed. She opened them and looked around, but saw nothing. She looked at me and said, "why cant i see them, i just asked Him." My heart, for the first time, saw that when she said that right then, her heart had been expectant. I really believe that the reason we didnt see an angel was not because of her lack of faith, but mine. Here was a 3year old little girl who just challenged me to step it up in my faith. It made me ask, "Can i go to God and ask him one question with the faith to expect it?" I want to say yes everytime...but i dont.

I heard little whimpering around 10 tonight... 2.5 hours after i put them to bed....I waited until i knew for sure it was crying, even though it was so faint. i tiptoed upstairs so as not to wake the other 3 kids, to find her laying awake rubbing her sweet little eyes. I laid down next to her and held her close. I dont know why, but there was so much joy in that. Knowing that she felt safe in my arms and all she had to do was whimper, cry just enough for me to hear and i could come. Immediately I thought, thats what it looks like with us and Jesus... Jesus longs for us to whimper or cry out to him, the lover of our entire being because he wants to hold us so close... so close that we just rest there. Ella had been having dreams of monsters, and when i just held her in my arms in response to her whimpers, she just fell right back to sleep, with a smile on her face...i tiptoed out, and looked back ar her, to see her sleeping with the smile remaining the same. I was amazed and still am. By kids, yes. But more so, by my God.

Love Unforgotten (do NOT take without perm.)

Written on October 18th, 2007:

This is part of a book i am writing, this is a rough version. However, do not copy or take any part of this without permission, thank you)

8:10 am.

Lana.

She lay in her bed, and looked to her right at the tiny clock on the mini-fridge in the dorm room. The clock read 8:11, the colon between the numbers blinking, a dark red. She sat up straight, got out of the rumpled bed, hurried to undress, and threw a towel around her naked body. Moving swiftly down the hall to jump in the warm and much needed shower, she thought of all that had to be done. Lana had a midterm for one of her theology classes that morning at 9:50, and had wanted to get up to study almost 2 hours before actually awaking.
In a regimental, almost command-style, voice in her head she said, “I need to get dressed, pack my books and laptop, grab breakfast, and study. If I leave by 9, I will have a full 40 minutes to cram.” The "to do" list in her mind had already consumed the first thoughts of the day.

Lana.

It was said so sweet, and quietly. He was calling her name and Lana responded as she pampered and prepared, doing her daily ritual to get ready for her day and get out the door. As she brushed, her beautiful, blonde hair, the length covering well past her shoulders, shimmered as it reflected the dancing light of the sun beaming in from outside the spacious window.
“Ugh. I can’t believe I woke up so late. Sorry. There is so much to do.” Feeling anxious about her test, Lana thought to herself and remembered the gap of time she would have later on in the day to spend time with Him. Lana rushed to the Student Center. Along the way, while feeling overwhelmed, she was strategizing in her mind what still needed to be studied before she would be ready for the test. Today, her life in the classrooms would consist of one midterm, going to chapel and singing in choir, reading a book at some point, attending a business class, and printing off her plane ticket to go home. All this needed to get done before returning to her room at the end of the day. There would also be many people Lana would want to see and talk to before headed east for home and they would want to see her.
He said her name again.

Lana.

She knew he was calling her to come away with him, to spend time, but she had so much to do. He knew that she wanted to, but at that moment, she just didn’t have time. She thought, “I will later.”
She thought and spoke to him, “Thanks for understanding that I am stressed. I need your help on this midterm. Help me to remember everything I have studied and heard.” There was no response. Out of breath and walking at a good pace, she could see the student center ahead of her. Upon reaching the student center, there was an unoccupied bench, half in the shade and half in the sun, out by a patch of beautiful gardens. It was welcoming. With all the demands of her day, Lana knew deep inside she would need a little help. “OK,” Lana thought, “just 10 minutes.”
She walked to the bench, and pulled out her worn bible. Lana had spent most of her free time in the past 2 days reading a romance novel. It’s a modern day version of the story of Hosea from the Bible, a story about a man who God calls to marry a prostitute. It seemed appropriate to read the book of Hosea as a result. After reading a little, Lana glanced at her brown Roxy brand watch on her left wrist. It read 9:10. Ok, time to go. Ten minutes. Done. In closing her small, tattered bible, she shoved it in the little pouch on the outside of her blue northface backpack, threw it over her petite shoulder, and ran inside the double doors of the student center.
Inside the Lunchroom, a few people sat isolated, one person per table. Some were studying, some eating, some reading. There was a girl sitting at one of the tables. She was a dancer at the university. Lana had met her a few weeks prior to this day, along with another friend of this girl. Lana knew the friend had withdrew from the university. When Lana saw the girl in the Lunchroom, she thought to herself, “she seems lonely.” But Lana quickly reminded herself, “I don’t have time.” Deep inside, Lana knew the girl was lonely and Lana wanted to inquire about her life. However, Lana knew it wouldn’t be a short conversation, and concluded that she just didn’t have time to talk. Not now at least. She feared that the replacement of her study time to go and talk to this girl would cause her to fail her midterm. She kept walking. Lana sat down alone at a table on the other side of the room with her Café Mocha Latte and black bottom cupcake, her eyes fixed on the full review sheet on the surface of the unstable table in front of her. “Time to study,” she thought. Lana crammed as much in as she could in through her blue eyes and into her brain before walking through the big thick wooden door of the classroom to take the test.

10:40 am.

Lana.

She walked briskly along side her friend Josh as they headed to the worship office on the backside of the Chapel. Upon finishing their midterm, they were late in joining the rest of the choir for prayer. Before each service, all choir members would meet to pray over the chapel service that would begin as soon as the cue to walk on stage had been given. She rushed into the room feeling frantic about missing prayer, yet relieved when she found the students praying. She too was relieved that the test was over. She stopped where there was an open place to stand in the room and closed her eyes to pray. Lana began thinking of home and was anticipating the next week of not having to go to class. The middle of the semester was here, and she was ready to be done.

It’s not about you. And it’s not over.

Lana started praying. Her heartbeat wasn’t calm, it was racing, and for some reason her hands were a little shaky. Her mouth felt dry, and she thought it might just be due to the lip-gloss she had just applied to her lips, as well as the dehydration from the walk over from the student center. It wasn’t over. Even though Lana was practically done with schoolwork until the next week, there was still purpose to this day. Lana might have been finished, but he was not. She reflected and pondered. He still deserved the praise from her soft, pink lips and everyone else’s for that matter who stood in that room and roamed the campus. She had the victory because of Him, and she now had the responsibility to give honor and praise where it was due. Her eyes were closed, and praying, said out loud, “Its all about you. It’s all about you. Thank you Jesus.” A voice yelled, interrupting, motioning us to the stage. Walking out the door, in a crowd of people, Lana was thoughtful. “I am about to be a vessel of light on that stage today, and I am to do what the Lord was asking me to do for this day.” She knew that at this moment, she was to be an example to all and her purpose was to worship God. That’s not all that he had for her.

The music began as the musicians and singers came together with their gifts and abilities. Voices hit notes, and guitars strummed chords. The drum sent resonating beats throughout the chapel, and hit the back wall of the room holding well over a couple hundred people. Lana jumped in tune with the beats, a little here and there, and clapped on beat as well. A radiant smile on her face and with her hands lifted, she reached towards the heavens. Every time she opened her blue eyes, they glistened. There was a bottomless twinkle in them that could be seem by any being who had the priveledge to look into them. Lana was praising God how she knew to and she was honored and excited to be on stage singing for him.

Do you know I love you?

Everything froze. Lana heard these words, and automatically, without thought and with a unceasing smile said, “yes, of course you love me.” She went back to smiling and raising her hands in adoration and thanks.

No. Lana.
Do you know I Love YOU?

It was stern; a passion outlined and exaggerated in the words “I love you.” Lana’s heart raced again, almost skipping beats to run in the opposite direction of these words. She didn’t really want to think about these words, and if she did, she did not want to consider its application or significance. She thought about the significance. She thought, “I know this already, but why do I question it? What would be the motive behind this love?” Was it that she could not comprehend these words, or was it dull? Almost dumbfounded, she didn’t respond to the words, and even worse, she couldn’t. Hearing these words were not a huge deal for her. She had said these words before, to God and to people, and she heard them, but why was he asking? He already knew the answer, didn’t he? Did she know the answer? But what she came to realize was not the significance of the words but the acceptance of these words. Lana did not know how to accept them. She had heard them before time and time again, from her friends, her family, and at one point in her life from a man she cared significantly for. But even still, Lana questioned this phrase. For the first time in her life, it was as though Lana had felt the physical touch of Gods desire to love her, and it moved her. Her heart grew tired and anxious. She was fearful of what the acceptance of this love would do. She stood on the black box on that stage with her hands clasped, against her body on her chest. The presence of God caused tears to flood to her eyes. She opened them as a means to keep them suppressed. Lana didn’t want to cry in front of hundreds of people. The opening of her eyes only made the crying worse. Her knees almost buckled but instead, she slowly sat herself down on the edge of the box behind her. She had placed her elbows on her knees and her head was face down. People were singing around her, but Lana’s mouth remained closed, her lips unmoved. Tears streamed down her face, as she saw the face of Beloved in the shadows of her eyelids. Who was this man? He was calling for her, to come and let her be loved by him. He was handsome, yet so mysterious. The choir sang, voices united as one crying out, “Our God Reigns.” It wasn’t a performance with empty words, and it wasn’t a concert of hype. It was a declaration.
Lana just sat. She wanted his love, but didn’t know how to accept it. The man was Jesus. She felt unworthy. She thought to herself about this love from Beloved. She had always had a deep longing within her that she had searched high and wide for, looking for man to fulfill. In the shadows, walking towards her, she realized this entire time it had been Jesus. Not one of her guys friends, or brothers, but her lover. Immediately Lana reflected back on all the times where she had prostituted herself for everything but God? How long had she put God as a secondary relationship in her life compared with everything else? Lana had always said she loved him, but looking back at the times when there was a choice for where time would be spent, he was easily put aside to be tended to later. There wasn’t guilt or shame of putting him off later either, until now. Lana thought about this love. The love of God, of a man, who still would chase and call her out in all her busyness. Even when time had not been spent, he would call to her. She would run away, get occupied by someone or something else, look away, and still, he would wait. Whispering her name, he beckoned his beautiful beloved, Lana. “How can someone like him love me, even after putting him aside for so long?” God reminded her of the book she was reading. Hosea was a man who loved an unlovable and unloving woman, who when even treated well, would run from that which loved her so dear. Lana knew she had been doing the same. It was so easy for her to return to the old habits and ways. The same thought patterns and habits. Her body rocked forward and backward as she sat on the stage in chapel, her arms wrapped around herself as she wept. She sat there in front of hundreds of people. Who was looking? She didn’t care. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she looked up.

I love You. If only you knew how much. I love you.
Let me in. Let me in. Let me love you.

Lana had always feared being love. What she had previously known of it was painful. The love she thought she knew ripped her apart at a point in her life. It left her feeling empty and broken. Lana remembered what it was like to hear words of love, but watch as the action never followed. She remembered how her heart sunk when she heard that she wasn’t enough and someone else was much better. She remembered him saying, “You just don’t have what I need, and she does.” The noise of tearing flesh hurt her so. She feared the ripping out of her heart and didn’t want to do it again, so Lana built a wall. Once she rid herself of that past relationship, Lana trusted and allowed God to bring healing and mend that, which was broken. She allowed God to restore, but until this day, she realized she had not allowed everything to be restored. She loved God and all that he was about, but didn’t truly and fully accept his love. She would love people with the God kind of love, but she wouldn’t accept that same love back. Beneath people’s words of “love,” Lana would search. She would try and find the truth behind those words, the motives, their intentions. Lana sometimes heard the word “love” and it didn’t faze her, it was a loaded word, full of lies and without meaning. She herself sometimes threw the word around forgetting its meaning. For some, she said it and in her mind it was a stamp of acceptance or approval. For her, the definition of love that had been formed was defined by the words manipulation, rejection, and deceit. It was never enough. That’s what she knew and she understood. She had loved unconditionally but it was not enough. The “love” that had been shown to her previously was false, and Lana wanted nothing to do with it, until today.
She had never verbalized in her life what she was about to do and say. She knew God loved her and from reading the Bible, Lana knew about the love of God. Only Lana had never experienced it as she was about to, just as a result of accepting it as her own.

I accept your love, I accept your love. I am willing to be loved, I am willing to be loved. I receive it and accept it.
I am loved.

In her tears and with her quivering voice, she repeated it. She could not even count the number of times she declared this. The tears increased and her body rocked harder, back and forth. Her insides felt like they were being ripped out, but it was different from the last. It was strong yet gentle, powerful yet soothing. A flood had been released, only it came in the form of rain, and it filled everything within and all it touched. There was Joy. Amazed, consumed, and overwhelmed, she sat and wept in the presence of a loving God. Lana knew for the first time, what it meant to be loved.

This Journey of Faith... is now

Written on May 24th, 2007:

It is 12 o'clock in the afternoon in rainy Tulsa Oklahoma.
I am sitting on my couch in my home waiting until the clock says 4, then I can go to work.
I am living in a house, with every possible accomodation needed to eat, sleep, and live.
I do not pay rent, I have a car to drive, and I am alone most the time. I have just enough to get by.
How did I get here? Why am I here, and not in Maryland, or in some foreign land on missions?

I am here because of Faith. It is faith that has brought me to this place. Obedience, and listening to a voice that is persistent in my chest. I take my steps moment by moment, day by day. Planning changes everything, so i opt not to. I am happy and content, learning about confidence and purpose. Healing takes place in the quiet with Jesus.

Oh how i love these Journeys of Faith.

Why Tulsa? I am here to work, to pay off my car, and credit card debit. Never do i want money to control my life, and so I proclaim liberty to myself, living in the abundance of my God.
I trust the Lord, the rock of my salvation. I hold on to everything He is and all that His Word proclaims. Debt will not restrict me nor will it hold me back from what God asks me to do, now, today, and in the future.
I am alone in Oklahoma. I have friends here but I do not see them very often. I realized that it is in the wilderness of our adventures that we have just what we need to live, not the abundance that God has for us. But the reason God takes us into the wilderness is to bring us to himself. One must chose to walk into the wilderness. I already have.

I anticipate change. I came to this realization: The Changing of seasons in my life from one to the next is dependent on me alone, not God, not People, not Timing. This can be a summer of change, as long as i am willing to be changed.

I want to be changed, to walk out of this wilderness and into the abundance of God. When I leave this place, I will leave healed, restored, free from debt, and changed. This is Faith. I am to walk by Faith, not by sight. Fact is one thing, Truth is another. Faith is now. His promises are conditional, I dont just inherit them.

Today I am going to work. I work as though unto the Lord not man. I will reap the promises of the Lord because I am walking out this Journey of Faith...
When the Lord says "Jump," I will ask, "How High?" and a smile will be on my face :)

As the fire burns

Written on February 18th, 2007:

Stay in the Presence of God, because it is there that the refining takes place.

The lighting of a fire is very quick. It is a choice, but it may take a few times. As a fire burns, the heat increases. It gets hotter and hotter, but only with time. The fire. It purifies. It melts, and it is painful. The descriptions can change depending upon the fires intensity.

My healing and purification will take place in every moment that the fire grows hotter. It will be the hardest, most intense, and breaking moments. It will boil away the unclean, the unusable, EVEN THE LIES.
We are asked to walk into the fire. We are not forced. We can reject this invitation.
The molding is next. An individual piece of Gold. When put into fire, Gold is refined, it is made clean. It comes out shining and shimmering, lacking in blemishes. It is set apart from the rest. It is moldable and it becomes desirable. It is pursued and sought after. It is only moldable when it has reached that place to be moldable. It is part of this process. The molder shapes it into his purpose, his desire. The gold does not choose. It cools and as it cools it remains in that state.

God is the great molder. The molder will only mold me after I am able to be molded. I must let myself be put into the fire, to be tested, pruned, melted down, purified and cleansed. God is an all consuming fire (Duet. 4:24) Am i willing to step into Him, into the fire? Tonight? Today? Tomorrow? Its my choice and its continuous.

At my core, I am a woman. Without titles I stand, in solitude, only with the physical, the spiritual, and with a unique personality. I am genuine but not by choice. I have an abundance of dreams and desires. But my fears and inadequacies challenge them every day. A sea has existed for years, yet it grows. My brown hair covers the scalp of my head, which covers, protects and layers this deep sea. Big and little are the things that swarm my thoughts. An ocean of waves. Things ripple and affect the other facets of my life. But more specifically at my core, the center of my being is my heart. A heart that longs to beat in tune with that of my creator. This heart grows day by day, desiring and willing to change each beat, to stay in one accord with the heart of my maker, my one true desire.
I stand by myself, accountable to One, and only one. Titles of the past and present lay on the floor: student, chaplain, musician, teamleader, director, sister, daughter, friend, waitress, etc. Fill in the blank. HOWEVER, with or without them, My heart beats fast, it runs and strives, and it tries to perform. But for what, and for whom? Who says that without these things, I am not enough? These things do not define me. I know my maker and I want his heart!

The Problem: At the root, I believe it is I. My mindset. In my failures and weaknesses, knowing my inadequacies, I quit. In fear I step back, to let someone else do the work, to finish the task. I step in when I feel safe when I feel needed.
Have I allowed myself to come to the place where I believe that I am not enough without talent or ability? Do I understand that my inadequacies are there for a reason? How dare I question my God, and what opinion do I have to say whether or not I am "good enough" ?

How do I change these ways, and mindsets? Only... By stepping into the Fire. The Lord is always speaking. I know it and I believe he is. His word says I win everyday; that I am more than able, that I walk in abundance. I speak it. The fire will consume me if i let it... IT IS WAITING THERE, ALREADY BURNING....

LTEL

I started this blog at 10:12 pm on Saturday, March 13th. I am in the comfort of parents house enjoying an awesome cup of sweet tea.

I am loving the life that I have been given. I call it, LTEL. Living the extraordinary life. It is nothing glamorous at the moment, actually, it is very ordinary. Along with two of my best girl friends, Elle and Rachel, we created this saying, LTEL, in the fall of 2007. It is the phrase used as a mark and reminder of the life that we've been given and will live out from now on. However, the reason our lives are extraordinary is because of the only one that sets us apart. His name is Jesus.

He gives us the ability to live extraordinarily lives in a very ordinary life. I love it. I love my life. We love our lives.

This blog was created as a place where I could share my life with others.

It will have stories, thoughts, encounters, and encouragement from my own life and the processes that the Lord is taking me through.

A lot of what is already on here (all posts March 13th) are anywhere from 1-3 years old, but I figured it was about time to condense them into one place besides my journal: Blogspot so people can have some background to what happens from here on out.

So... enjoy and watch the process of God in my life as I continue journalling all that God is doing in me... He is the main focus of my life, and why I do everything that I do.